Completely Different

It’s never good to compare one relationship to another relationship, everyone knows that, well everyone also knows I don’t follow rules, so I do it anyways. The difference is I take my mistakes from the ‘mine and Yorker’ relationship and fix them in this one before they become real problems. That way I don’t have that much to worry about in with this one, but this one is completely different from being with Yorker. Like everything about it is just different, in a good way though. The energy is different, I never feel like, ’agh another day’. I know that sounds bad but, sometimes that’s just how I felt with Yorker. We’ll give my new girlfriend the nickname of: Babayface, she has the cutest Babayface; please don’t tell her I said that [lol] but when Babayface be like, ‘let’s hang out’. My first thoughts are like ‘HECKS YES!’ Anytime I get to see her is just different I get butterflies and all happy kinda like that middle school love we all had, where you just get all bubbly inside and out, yeah I get that feeling all the time with her. This relationship just seems healthier, which I just learned that there’s a thing as a relationship being healthy or not. Never knew that until I watch Jersey Shore and I noticed how Sammie and Ronnie are, how I and Yorker was a lot of the time, which is completely bad and stressful. There’s a few things that I would change if I could but since I’m looking forward with Babayface, then there’s only one thing I need to work on; the fact that I can’t tell her how I feel about certain things at the time they happen. Like when she does something, I don’t tell her right then and there I have a fit and then she’s so caring she comes right after me and then we talk about it. I know why I do it, and I just need to work on that before this relationship takes a wrong turn because I can’t talk about stuff. But besides that, I’m very happy with my choices, everyone knows how I was about Yorker; and Babayface just makes me forget all about that. She’s caring, protective, and I think the best part is that we can lie down and talk about almost anything. I couldn’t do that before, and with her everything comes so naturally, sometimes its scary just for the simple fact I think that we’re moving too fast but when its this natural there’s no ‘too fast’. <333' TD <333'

Understand Me

What if you saw my arm one day? And all those bloody trails Will you be able to understand why? I cut when all else fails

Would you tell me to stop the cutting? Because what I do is wron Will you try to convince me again? That I’m really very strong

Will you tell me otherwise? When I say “you don’t understand” Answer this question Have you sat with a knife in your hand?

Have you even contemplated? Or thought about suicide Do you have any fucked up emotions? That you always try to hide

Have you ever lost a best friend? Because of the blade of a knife Are you stuck in deep depression? Always trying to end your life

Do you have the scars I have That decorates your wrist? And when you try to smile Do you smile with a twist?

How about all that precious blood That’s keeping you alive Do you shed it every night? Making it difficult to survive

Have you ever stayed up late? While endless tears you cried Have you felt that horrible feeling? Like part of you just died

Have you ever taken drugs? So the time will just pass by Have you found yourself to think? How perfect it’ll be to die

Have you attempted suicide so much? That you’ve already lost count Will even the tears you’ve ever cried? Add up to that amount

If you try to help me out Don’t assume you know how I feel The truth is you can’t mend my heart And you can’t make my cuts heal

So just answer all these questions Before you give me any advice Just think it over clearly Think it over twice

Love Me???

"Let Me Go"
3 Doors Down

One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just Let me go...
Let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I knowww..
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know Who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know who I am
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know me

Epic Failure

It seems like everyone around me is doing better than me. I don’t understand how I got so lost, I kind of figured after college everything else would just fall into place it never really occurred to me that I had to actually do other things along the way. I just don’t think I’m ready for this whole “adult life” to start. I got my long-term goals, short-term just isn’t me thing but I guess I better start making it that way. Agh I don’t know what to do I have until summer to figure something out and that to me is not that far away. Although it’s only January and summer is in May I just can’t do it.
I feel that if I go out on my own I’ll fail. Like if I try to live on my own (well without my mom) I wont do good, I’ll end up broke, homeless, and starving, and then I’ll have to come back home to my mom. And I don’t want to fail. I mean my mom has done everything for me. Cook, wash my clothes, drive me places. There’s nothing I really have to do. What if I get out there and I just fail at it all? Oh dear my head is starting to hurt with all this. I don’t see how people do this on their own.
This is all coming so soon! All my friends are talking about this state or that state and I realize…what state am I going to be in when all my friends leave this state? Oh sweet words of holiness! I don’t want to do this! Can I just go back to being 16 and then go from there and hopefully lead to something good after that? Eh why ohh why is this so hard. And yes I’m complaining; and yes I’m for real; and no I’m not stopping until everything is figured out.
I guess I’ll have to get this “after college” thing soon. Time is what I need and for once I don’t really have it. I need to get this situation under control before I have a something that people get when they stress too much, and I don’t think that’s too far away from where I am. Life would be super easier if shit I don’t know! I could just live with my mom forever, although I don’t think that’s on her to do list, we can make it work (highly doubtful)
I have a personal invitation to stay with someone but…shoot I don’t have a reason not to want to go. I mean I’d have it made out there with her. I get all the benefits of living with someone. The only thing is I’d have to learn how to cook more things than I already know how. And for my personally my list is pretty long. (Proud of myself, high key.) I wouldn’t mind living with her, she’s really funny and will always be there to make me smile. I don’t think there’s really a bad side to this. I mean I get kind of everything I want and more.

Ugh my life my sweet mfn life!! ADULT LIFE SUCKS!!


-TD

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!

Although I’m al little late on that sorry about that but I still thought it was nice to say it. Yes! I’m back to blogging my life out! I’m actually excited for this blog year. Not so much the real year but excited to be blogging again. There’s not way I could start off without a proper recap of everything that’s been going on since my last entry. So I’ll just jump right into that.

LAST TIME:

I was talking about a Mr. Green Eyez a lot well he’s out. Not completely out but definitely in the romantic way. We’re just friends and I plan on leaving it that way. And I’m fine with that there’s nothing id change and I don’t really regret what happened. Sometimes you got to go through thing just to be sure they not going anywhere more than where you’re already at. If that makes any sense at all; so that’s where I and Green Eyez are. As far as me and Yorker that as of now is a wrap and I don’t think its going to change from that, and again I’m fine with that not going to go out my way to change anything. If its meant to be then it will become otherwise I’m don’t trying to change people minds, emotions, and forcing things out of them.

NEW THINGS:

I’m excited to start school in the spring. I’m only taking 3 classes because of everything going on {family} so I’m fine with 3 classes for this semester; I’ll be taking a poetry class, intro to psychology and women and religion class. There’s nothing I’m not looking forward to! I’m excited for it all. Okaaaay so there’s this girl at GCC who is so into me and has talked to me all break calling me babe and sweetie and everything; even mentioned that she wanted to have sex with. (Note: not me having sex with her, her sexing me.) and they weirdest thing is I kind of thought she was into me before but damn not like that, but apparently I just have that affect on people. I really don’t see this going anywhere, I’m on a total different level then she is on and I don’t know how else to say it. There’s someone newly-old (in case you don’t get it: someone who is old and been here but new a different part of my life) in my life, and everything for us changed on New Years and I’ve been smiles ever since, but then it set in that...I don’t have a chance. Although she says otherwise I feel in my gut something else but in my heart its love. Yes! I just say the “L” word; I love her, kind of always have, but it was blocked a lot but someone else. And now that I have the time to think about it…its all clear to me now; I love her but I’m scared and it’s hard to explain on my side. She’s made her side very clear to me and that scares me too. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I don’t want to say something will happen and then it doesn’t. So I’m just going to keep my mouth shut and hope for the best but expect the worse. Because getting hurt isn’t on my 2011 to do list and I don’t plan on having it on there.

FAMILY THINGS:

As of right now I’m over family things. They more tiring then running at 4x4 and I don’t plan on letting anything else regarding family stress me out anymore. My “sister” (I use that term very loose with her) is just retarded when it comes to common sense and morals. And I think that’s another thing that separates us from each other. She has 3 kids; my mom is taking care of 1, the other one is with her and she barely can take care of her and then she has one on the way. At some point it’s just like uh hello wake up obviously you don’t need anymore kids! But you can’t tell someone something when they think they know everything. It’s like talking to a brick wall and expecting it to listen to you. (Not going to work) My brother is out of jail and hopefully thing become “normal”, he’s about to have his first kid and name him after him of course. And I’m way more excited for his baby way more than my “sister.” As far as my mother she’s still trying to move us to California and I don’t want to go back! I just feel like I have a great support system out here: Nolan, Jen, Lipma, Tomas, and the list goes on its like all my friends out here are doing good, in school and on the right path. I can’t say that for all my friends in California and although I’m not easy, I don’t want to fall into the wrong things. Agh I would really rather just stay here and go to college and open my building and go from there…but me and Chris have tried everything and they not having it. Not only are we talking about education factors here but damn people getting killed 24-7 out there, just walking down the street and getting shot? Uh definitely not cool and I have a lot to live for! I’m only 20.

-TD

STOPPED

Well I said it was just a matter of time before I had a complete melt down, and it happened.

About two weeks ago I had a river of emotions waiting to be let out but my wall blocking it. I was sad about a lot. But never showed or talked about it to anyone. I was hurting about other stuff. Defeated in other things; just an overwhelming feeling of everything. Although I had my close friends always there to talk to I just felt once the wall broke and the emotions poured out there wasn't going to be any stopping it. So to avoid all that I just became a mirror and started reflecting everything; shocking nobody ever noticed anything wrong with me. I've mastered the art of wearing a mask and now reflections are coming in handy too. I think the saddest part I think would be having only a couple of people to go to when something is wrong, because only a couple of people know who I really am to begin with. I can't walk up my cool friend Mrs. Granny Panties and be like "aye I burned last night" ya know she'll probably be like wtf!
But back to my story so I was emotionally backed up I guess that's a way to say it. And I don't remember how or even what I was doing at that time but I'd gotten so sad I started crying. I don't mean tear here, tear there. I mean booooo freeeeaking whoooo my bed covered in tissue from all my tears. I had an emotional breakdown literally. Everything that I'd be holding in all came out. Now let me pause, because you’re probably thinking "okay you cried you should've been okay afterwards." Now if you look at my previous post I clearly state how I hate feeling my own emotions. So after crying I basically felt bad, little, horrible so I did what I know I turned. Now usually I burn around the same area this time I felt risky so I burned at the very top of my wrist. I had a movie playing, so no one would here the lighter clicking. Burned a candle so you couldn't smell the lighter. And then I started burn my wrist. This is where it becomes a blur I sat there and I'd written DONE on my wrist to I could burn over it. Somewhere in between the O & N I pass out. I don't know why, and I don't know how. But when I wake back up, I have texts I have missed calls and I'm just like what happened!! Green Eyez and I were texting and I'd had a message from him so I told him I'd fallen asleep. Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out what happened!! So I everything aside mentally and I go to sleep. At this point I'm like trying to find long sleeve shirts to cover my wrist. So I survive the weekend now I have to face Green Eyez, hide my wrist, try to maintain calm, and just be me-ish. Got through the week. The most painful part was 1.) Hiding thing from Green Eyez & 2.) Hugging people, I hate fake hugs and using my arm/wrist in a hug hurt so bad! But I got through it.

I think a few days went by before I told my Pooh. The one person who I could tell, who wouldn't pass judgment on me. That one person who's been through everything with me. I told her and even through a text I could tell she was pretty pissed. I'd tried to protect burning as much as I could with her, but to her my life is way more important than that. We had a heart to heart and I felt like I use to feel with her. I'd told her I would stop and that was the conversation. When it comes to my emotions I think outta all my close friends; she knows how to deal with them best. She might not always understand them but she knows how to deal best with them. I'll show you in like 2.4.

Friday, November 13th I finally told Green Eyez mind you he's like totally 5x's anti burning for me. So I went through the whole night explained why I'd lied and it would become clear why I hadn't told him. But just like I broke it down for y'all I did that for him. Pooh didn't need all that, some reason I can just tell her how it is; with Green Eyez I always have to leeeead up to what I wanna say. So being anti on this whole thing he got mad. We barely talked the rest of Friday and most of today (Saturday) was gone before we talked again. Now here where Pooh and Green Eyez and probably 89% of others differ; Pooh was mad but didn't show it too much. She understands pushing me away (getting mad, cussing, yelling, not talking, not trying to understand, ect.) is only pushing me into burning more. Now Green Eyez/others wouldn't see it that way. They're just like you done wrong and I don't wanna talk to you. Which for me makes me just wanna burn more. But eventually he and I started talking again.

Now the key to my not burning is to stay busy as I can. Besides school I’m having a NOH8 photo shoot at my house with all my friends and myself in it. Not only is it a good cause but it’s something that’s keeping me busy. NOH8 for those of you who don’t know is a gay-straight alliance/awareness and it’s really cool and so up to date on everything gay and how straight people can help and everything so I’m totally 100% into it. While I was on the website I noticed that it was only celebrities so I was like no I want one with all my friends and we’re going to do our own. I didn’t think anyone would want to do it but turns out everyone wants to do it and only one person said no and that’s because she’s stupid and has no life! but everyone is coming that day or coming another day soon so then I’ll take everyone pictures and make one big collection of them all and it’ll be great. So I’ve been planning that out for about a week. The other thing I’m planning I can’t really talk about because it’s totally x-rated. Even though I’m planning all of this I still don’t think it’s enough to keep me from my old friends (lighter & needle) for too long but I told my Pooh I wouldn’t so I’m going to try my hardest to do just that.

Outside of the burning the rest of my life is just as complicated. There’s nothing going easily or smooth anymore. And it’s like I’m at the bottom of the barrel so hopefully there’s nothing but sunshine and blue sky’s from here on out. Otherwise shoot I don’t know what’s after that.

TERRITORIAL

untitle

Too many things are going on in my life right now. I’m freaking out everyday about something different than the day before; seems like everything is just piling up on top of one another and its getting to me. I need to find a way to a mountain and just chill and let everything out, the tears, the thoughts, the fears, and the unknown, just everything that’s been eating at me lately. Although I have people I can talk to about this kind of stuff it’s just the emotion of everything that I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to cry I don’t want to feel sad I just don’t want to feel anything right now.


I find myself wanting to cry more nowadays. There’s a mixed reasons on why and I’m not going to go into them, but there’s about 4-6 different things eating at me and it gets me watery eyed but I refuse to cry! I don’t want to cry anymore, I don’t want to feel sad. I just want to let everything be, but my heart is still tender in some areas. There’s about 2 people I find myself getting close too and it’s getting to the point where I have to stop getting close because its just a matter of time before they hurt me or they just all together leave out of my life. sometimes I’m wrong in this situation and the people I get close to aren’t planning on leaving but I push them away anyways, but this is different I’m getting to attached to people and its time I leave before I get too involved or hurt. I’m not sure if this will ever change but pushing people away is just over time something I’ve became good at. Maybe once I find someone who I can tell my stories too and they wont freak out will be the day I let someone close to me. But until then nobody is getting to close because I always end up hurting and not them.


My best friend who has actually been my best friend since I first went to my high school said something to me that made me think about things and what my last entry said. Last time I was explaining how I always got mad at something and how my fuse was getting shorter and my temper was getting worse. Remember? Well my best friend made a point: she said that I get mad at everything because I don’t want to show my true feelings. Which totally made me think, everything that I’m going through right now is giving me every emotion I don’t want to feel everything except anger and anger for me is easier to express than sadness or fear. So everything just makes me made because I don’t want to show people I’m mad or sad. Even though most people I get mad don’t know me and probably just think that’s how I am but for the people who do know me they’re just like confused I think. But for the 1,000 time I don’t want to feel emotional but I need to let it out soon before I do real harm.


Today I had a conversation about “time” and how I felt about it; I think besides “death” I think time is the only other word I’m scared of. I also hate when people say “in due time you’ll know” it’s like the fear of time is what I have. Not sure if that’s a real condition but I’m feeling it. Tag along with time comes all the unanswered questions in my life. Will I make it? Will I have the job I want? Will my dreams come true? And even if I don’t think that far ahead there’s still a long of questions that are unanswered pertaining to my life. Times like this I wish I could see into the future so I could just know what’s going to happen and I won’t have to stress about them anymore. Who I’ll be with so I don’t have to look, who I won’t be friends with anymore so I could stop wasting the time I do have. Just time as a general thing is a scary concept.


There’s more in my head, but for now I’m going to call it a closed one.


[[Oh one last thing I said I’d update you on Mr. Green Eyez well I guess we’re just going to remain the way we was before I started opening my mouth. And at this point I actually shocking have no desire to fight with him on it, that’s the way it’s going to be then that’s that. Can’t say I didn’t say anything. [Note I didn’t say I tried my best that would be a black face lie.] Like I told someone earlier maybe from now on when something tells me to tell someone something I’ll just wait til they say something first, or show it in some way. Although he did show it maybe I just understood wrong or something.]]


TERRITORAL

Ticking Bombshell

I was born with a temper. Having tempers just runs in our family, but within the last year I feel my anger getting worse. Before I sound like a 24/7 angry bitch I'll explain what I'm trying to say.

There is a long actually very long list of things that aggravate me. A lot of it to someone else would be like "oh you tripping'" but no a lot rather big or small things bother me. (They're all running through my head now, but there's way too my to sit here and list) There's (outside of family) I think one other person besides myself who knows how selfish I can be with someone. She's (Pooh) had first hand with my selfishness for 4 years so she completely understands, well I'm not sure she understands but she knows how I get. Then There’s others who know I'm selfish but just don't know how "bad" I can get. They see what I show, and figures out some but still have no idea. Basically it’s me and my selfishness times 3 and that’s how it is.

I'm the kind of person who you can make frustrated and on the outside I'd get over it but inside I'm dwelling on what happened which builds up and makes me mad all over. So I can get mad about the same thing hrs after it happened. And I never say anything so it just builds up inside. A lot more it's been happening too; people just been frustrating me left and right and instead of saying "aye you’re pissing me off" I shut down, get quite, just answer short style with “yea, okay, um” as answers and dwell on whatever just pissed me off. Sooner or later I’m just going to crack!! Everyone will leave me alone after that and watch what they say to me because obviously they haven’t figured out who I am. My fuse is already short and now it's burning and it's just a matter of time before I fully go off on someone. It’s happened before and it’ll happen soon I can just feel it in my body its going to happen soon. There’s so many things built up inside there’s no telling who or what I’ll do when the time comes.

I strongly hate people who constantly say things that are like set in stone. Understand? Or do I sound confused too? (It happens a lot!) Example might help: I can say "omg her hair is horrible" she can change that before I see her again, right? But for someone to be like: "you’re a brat" it's like uh duh? I’ve been me for about 20 years now I know how I am. So what!! I'm not calling you to get me stuff and you’re not buying me anything so stop pointing it out! There's a list of 3 people I ask to get me stuff: my mom, my step-dad, and my daddy (who is dead) it's not like I ask everyone for everything I want! If I can't get it from my mom or step-dad then obviously I don't need it and won't ask for it! Even if someone went to the mall bought me my favorite shoes; there's a high as chance I'm going to not even open the box and tell you to return to sender! B-Ball Star bought me some green vans they were the cute ones I said I wanted and I didn’t even take them, it’s like yeah I’m s brat but I don’t take things from people who isn’t my mom or her husband. I hate that because I’m a brat people think I’m going to take whatever I can get my hands on, WTF!! NO!!! That just pisses me off to an all time high! I’m a brat deal wit it! If you get to know me you’ll see yea I want a lot of stuff but I don’t go around getting everything I want nor do I go around asking people for things that I want. I won’t even ask someone for a quarter if I needed it. I just don’t do that and it really makes me mad that people that call themselves “knowing who I am” honestly don’t know shit about me at the end of the day.

Like I said there’s only one person who kind of understands how I am, and how to talk to me and how not to talk to me. Other people are just completely missing the whole point of everything its like if I clearly get mad then clearly you did something wrong and it pissed me off. My Pooh is the only one I say sorry to for my actions too so its like with her there’s times I fuck up and as much little things she do for me I owe it to her to be there all the time. Even if I’m there and a bitch that’s not being there and she doesn’t deserve that at all! So besides her I really don’t say “hey I’m sorry for today” uh no that’s not my job people know what pisses me off and what they shouldn’t do/say.

New Black Fatal Sex

So much has been going on lately I don’t even know where to begin. I guess the most obvious one, my new blog. Yes I changed everything about my old blog and yes there’s kind of a long reason why I did. Everything about my old layout and title reminded me of someone other than myself, call me crazy but I think a blog should be all about me. Rather it was a good reminder or a horrible one it still wasn’t me. So I changed everything. We’ll start with the title “Mrs. Lady” was old one, “Lady” the name Ariel gave to me. And when I redid my blog last time, her and I were together and now that we’re not no need to keep a nickname. “Territorial Domain” new title fits me perfectly and if I get to that part you’ll understand perfectly why. And if I don’t get to that part, you’ll figure it out pretty fast. I changed the other layout just because…well I don’t have a real reason I just got tired of seeing the same old layout so I changed it to something else. I think this one is pretty kick ass…what do you think? As you noticed, well if you’ve been coming to my website since kingdom come you’ll know that once I start changing everything on my blog I tend to delete all prior entries, and yes I mean ALL but I didn’t do that this time. Not only do the last entries mean something to certain people, but one of my entries could be something that a little girl looks at and finds herself in it. (Highly doubtful) but you never know. So I kept them all, at least for now.
Signed: Mrs. NewNew


As of right now school which is usually my get away area, is becoming a stress area in which I need to avoid but really cant so I go everyday put on a happy face, laugh a dumb jokes and come back home wishing tomorrow will be different which it typically isn’t. Yet I go everyday and do what I have no choice but to do and call it that. Lets not get it wrong there are 2 people I can count on that’ll for the most part make me laugh for real and they’re around a lot so that’s good. But lately I’ve been noticing that everything around me upsets me more. Don’t know if that makes sense so like say it like this, I was born with a short fuse and its been getting shorter nowadays. And yea it’s a bad thing, well for other people not really so much for me. I don’t know where and why this is coming along all of a sudden all I know is that is coming off truly strong; I’m doing my best to still have a good time but its kind of hard when everything makes you mad. To add to school stress, there’s always family stress. I don’t even know where to go with this one. Maybe I’ll start with the fact that I want to fight my sister. I don’t mean haha punch punch I mean take my earrings off put my vans on and really fight her. She’s done so many stupid things lately I cant even begin to tell you, but one of the ones that really pissed me off was this one: so my niece, her daughter, lives with me and when my sister came out here to visit to promised my niece she would send her some money. (No one told her to promise a 5 year old anything but she did, and def was the first time.) So about 3 weeks goes by and my niece asked my mom was my sister going to send her money. So my mom asked me to message my sister on facebook to ask her what’s sup. And here is where everything goes down hill, she started going hard on facebook talking about “if you bitches wasn’t family I wouldn’t fuck with you, and ya’ll ain’t gotta check up on my money I know what I gotta do.” Okay now, if you know me you know I most def went off in that next message and knowing my scary as sister she deleted, and blocked me. 1.) Nobody told her to promise her “daughter” anything. 2.) Nobody is checking on your little ass county check that you get because your ass is too high to find a job. So after that like 94% of me wants to fight her, but her and her county baby daddy is pregnant so I’m just waiting until she drops that baby and then I will step to her so I can drop her!
Signed: Mad Black Woman


I’ve had a fatal attraction to someone lately. And for secretive reasons we wont go into names, but so I wont sound like a broken tape saying someone all day we’ll call this person Green Eyez. After my last break up I was really down in the dumps and was alone. Green Eyez came and started making everything better. And soon enough I was attracted, not sure if it’s for one reason or another but the attraction is there. I call it fatal attraction because we can’t do anything about it or it could be deadly to our friendship. But everything that we need to be there, in order to make something happen is there but for the sake of our friendship we have to fight the temptation more. Green Eyez and I have found ourselves in this situation before and fought it away; this time at least for me the attraction is way stronger than last time and there’s way more temptation and way more fighting we have to do in order to maintain normal. I think I’ve said this before I hate people who you can tell go do this and they do it, it’s not only annoying but it makes my skin crawl! I have a strong erg and attraction to people who don’t give me my way all the time. It makes me have to actually fight for what I want and we all know I’m a selfish spoiled brat who wants everything I can get. But the only frustrating part of it is not getting anything I want, ever! That is like another extreme, as much as I hate pushover’s I hate not getting anything I want just as bad. I like it somewhere in the middle. But back to Green Eyez and I, I have to fight this or I’m going to end up hurt again and I hate emotional pain! Lately I’ve been Mrs. Cuteness and flirting more than my Libra allows but now I have to find a way to back off of it all. I refuse to end up the up one again and going through that alone. So as of the posting of this blog I’m backing off Green Eyez although that’ll be hard because the attraction is so strong I’m willing to push it all away.
Signed: Fatal Lust


There’s this dream that I keep having, sometimes I goes sexual and sometimes I just goes normal. I’m not sure what to make of it but its making me want to go to the mountains. Okay so I’ll tell the sexual dream first because the normal dream is the same thing taken out all the sexual parts. Dream: I text my friend because my family is just stressing me out. I don’t want to be home and I tell her that in the text. So we decided to just drive far away from where we lived and ended up at some mountains. We got a blanket out the trunk and sat on top of her car and started talking about everything. Somehow we started kissing and I know she’s my best friend but damn she can kiss. We made out and you know how making out always leads to something else? Yeah well that happened here, it lead to everything I’ve always wanted to do with her and without any weird parts. The nice part is that there was already music playing in the car and it was sexual music and everything was perfect. Although my best friend who is actually in this dream lives 54 states away from me its just weird how I still dream about her after all these years. I talk to her almost every day and I’ve even told her about the dream. And how we had sex on top of a car in the mountains, I think that’s one of my top 4 sexual dreams of all times. Then again I think 2/4 is with her in them. The only sucky part about this is knowing that she lives forever away and I probably won’t see her, let alone go to the mountains with her. But this dream makes me want to go to the mountain and at least chill because the view (in the nonsexual one) was a great view; a bunch of lights and everything. Just one of those places you want to go to when you’re stressed.
Signed: Mountain & Sex

I think that’s my life in a nutshell; well most of my current one. I’ll keep you posted on the rest of it =)

Alone In The World

I can't even begin to express how I'm feeling. I've expressed it once before and I still have no answers. The feeling of defeate and giving up has came over me. I feel like just making a fire and blowing everything in it.

I went to my lighter and needle about 2wks ago just to find out, I had not fire in my lighter. I asked Pooh to send me one but she's not down for it. And I haven't been able to burn because I haven't got a lighter. I just need an escape away from everything.

Normally people have friends to talk to about this but there's two problems with that. 1.) Mentally I only have one friend and physically I have no one. I just feel I'm always there for people around me, but its like no one can be there for me. (Besides that one person) So to avoid all that I've been like a mirror to everyone. Most people I hang out with are happy so I just reflect whatever their feeling back to them. No emotionally I'm disconnected but I appear perfectly normal. And its been working to my advantage too.

Generally school gets me away from everything. Unfortunately that's not the case. Let me break it down for you. I'm taking child development, it only makes sence child psychologist taking child development. But for me the class is just more than watchin how children grown. It makes me want a little bby and that thought takes me to YORKER and by now everyone except her knows how I feel. I even canceled a party invite because I knew she would be there.. the other class in taking is philosophy of sexuality and that's just a direct link to YORKER, my whole sex life was wit her. Yea there were other people but most of it was YORKER.

Again I'm just at a fucking loss with this thing I call my life. "/

I'm Done!!

Although I’ve been really on myself to finish this blog challenge, I’m done. It was fun while it lasted and I really had fun doing it but it’s bad timing for me right now. With everything that’s going on personally just trying to do this blog challenge and go through what I’m going through is too much. So as of now my challenge is over.

Lately YORKER has been on my mind like all the time! There isn’t a day I don’t dream or think about her at least 5 times; and its breaking me down mentally. With missing her and thinking about her all the time has brought me to want to burn way more now. I haven’t done it in about 3 months but its been running through my head way more now than the last 3 month put together. I figured it was better than I cause pain then to feel pain from me and YORKER. But to stop from burning I’m going to try and get something pierced or another tattoo just for the pain factor. Only thing is, piercing don’t hurt me that much.

So for those of you who were enjoying my blog topics, I’m sorry but I’m out. Its just too much to do all together with YORKER and family its just overwhelming. I’ll still write every now and then this doesn’t mean that I’m done blogging forever but just for now I need a break from everything! But I will be back…soon I hope.

Tearing Me Up

BLOG DAY #20

This month hasn’t been that bad. I’m around more people now and in school which are both helping me with this YORKER thing. I like both of my classes and I’ve already learned a lot although they are both super long I like them. Sex class we have so many jokes in there you just want to go; and as far as child development it’s just super interesting and I’m learning so much.

As far as relationships with people, they’re changing some for the better and some going for the worse. Its kind of like people I wouldn’t expect to be so close to me are closer than ever. Like those are the people I text when I can’t sleep or if I need to cry my eyes out about YORKER. And for the people I called my “close” friends I have no idea where the hell they even are in my life right now. The ones that I use to talk to about everything are no where to be found when I need them and even further away when they’re right there. I just don’t understand and I’m seriously tired of trying to figure it out, whoever is here is here and if they not then whatever. I’m not going to kiss anybody’s ass to be a half-ass friend to me when I can get a full time all the way friend 24/7.

With this month and YORKER; its just been a lot to take in. although this blog helps me get things out I just feel like what it helping if I cant tell her or if I’m not talking to her ya know? It’s kind of for my own personal thing to get it out but getting it out means I think about, thinking about it means questions are asked, questions asked means I cry and crying makes me want her more. But talking about it has opened my eyes about other things. At this point I just wish I could see my future, I want to know if everything I want (YORKER, my building, my own family) will happen or am I waiting around for nothing?

I talked about being “fake” in the sense that I can trick anybody to thinking that I’m happy with just the right smile, the right voice and my always right outfits. Today I was just walking from my class to go to meet a friend and this guy stopped me and said “every time I see you, you’re just so happy and full of life.” My first thoughts was damn your watching me. But then my second thoughts went to dang I must be getting better at this “fake” me. None of my best friends or “close” friends ever think anything is wrong with me; in a way it’s kind of like okay all going to plan, but then again its like would they care if they knew the truth? A question I have the slightest answer to…

Herstory In the Makin

BLOG DAY #19

Something I regret isn’t that hard to think of sadly, there have been a lot of regretful times in my whole 19 years on this Earth. But 3 of them stick out to me the most well mainly two but so yeah I’m just going to talk about two of them.

I regret not saying goodbye to my dad. When I was 15 my dad died. I’d known him 5 years before that and we got along great. 2 weeks for summer break was spent as his house every summer and a week for every holiday break I got more than a week off. When we first met I was already 10 and he wasn’t that sick, although it was hard for him to walk around a lot without getting tired quickly. When I was about 13 I noticed how sick he was getting he lived in Landcaster, CA and he couldn’t even walk around his apt without getting tired. Maybe when I was also 13 I noticed he started using a breathing machine, so he wouldn’t feel that tired after walking around the house. It’s kind of like the ones they have at the hospitals but you use it at home whenever you need it. It seemed like the more I went to visit the more he was on the machine. There were a lot of times I went in my room at his house and cried because here was this great guy who was my dad and here he was dying before I could really get to know him.
When I was 14 I remember me and my mom rushing out to Landcaster (about an hour drive from our house) to see my dad who was now in the hospital bed; I don’t remember anything he was saying or the nurse was saying to my mom. All I remember was the walls, the smell, and the hallways, how it looks like so many people had died and how the hallways never ended. All the walls were the same; all the rooms were the same. Everything was all the same and it freaked me out. Since then I’ve developed a phobia of hospitals; my hands get sweaty, my knees start to shake, my head gets light, and my heart goes faster than after I run a 400 meter dash. And then my anxiety kicks in and then I have to go outside to get air before my anxiety make it impossible for me to breath at all. After the whole hospital thing he was able to go back home a few days after they ran some tests on him. And not too long after that he died; I wasn’t ready to say goodbye nor was I ready to attend my first funeral ever. I was only 15 how I could loose my dad at 15 when I just met him 5 years ago!! I met my other brothers and sisters. Altogether my dad had 9 kids (me being the youngest of course.) And according to everyone there I looked just like my daddy, I guess when you’re going to miss someone who pass on you want to hear that people see a little bit of them in you. But hearing that didn’t stop the tears from flowing as soon as the funeral started.

The part I hated the most besides the whole thing; well the two parts I hated was 1. Everyone saying it was a “celebration” in my head all I could think was “what in the hell are we celebrating? My dad is dead, there’s no celebration there.” But I just cried and cried, and my cousin (I think she is.) just held me and let me mess up her pretty shirt. And this is where regret starts to set in because as everyone was walking to go say their goodbyes I just couldn’t find it in me to go do it. I don’t think I could come up with an excuse with that one I just wasn’t ready to say goodbye nor could I even move. And to make things even worse I didn’t even go to his barrel (sp). I only thought that if I go that it would all become too real, and I didn’t want it to be. Everyday for about 2 weeks I called his house number to hear is voice on his voicemail. I just wasn’t ready to let go of him. The only picture I had of him came out of his obituary and I still have it.

I look about 3 months to be able to look at it without crying. But there are times, like around most holidays, and his birthday where I just loose it. I’ll stay in my bed with his obituary and just cry and cry and won’t move unless I need to pee. I didn’t only loose a dad at 15 but I lost a best friend at 15. but everything I do now I do for him; even though he cant be there to see me through it all I know he’s up there watching over me saying that my little girl right there. Before every race I run I give a kiss to the sky to let him know this one is for you, and at graduation I gave him a kiss. He’s watch me do everything and he’ll continue to watch over me. And I’ll always know that my dad is an angle in haven watching over me.


My second regret won’t be as long as the first, or well I don’t think it will be. Since my dad died letting people get close to he hasn’t been on my, to do list at all. Every time I felt someone getting too close I had a way for them to want to leave. I stopped talking to them or I just started a huge fight. After my dad died I just knew I didn’t want to feel that pain of getting close and then having someone ripped away from me, so nobody was close to me, knew too much about me, or did I really care about enough. After about 3 years of blocking to world out of my life I met YORKER. There was something about her that was so intriguing to me and I just had to know more about her. Our history together is not only a long one it’s a rocky one, anyone who knows us knows we’ve broke-up 20000 times and been together 400000 times. I’m the kind of girl that has to have someone strong, not only physically but I guess it would be mentally. I hate people I can push over! I hate pussy as niggas! In lesser terms; push overs are so boring and I hate boring because then I just feel the need to be a bitch all the time and with YORKER that was never the case. All the time we’ve been together I’ve never been bored with her. Even just me and her chilling at her house while I watch her play video games; with anyone else it would be shoot me in my face boring but with her its just fun. She talks to me about how it works and I even give her good luck kisses (which always work.)

If you read yesterday blog you saw how me and YORKER started planning or lives out but it doesn’t say why we broke up. Well here it goes my #2 regret which as been in my and YORKERS relationship for a long time. You’ve read the history on T-Bird and I well that’s where my problem set in. when T-Bird and I were dated she cheated a lot, and I look her back because I thought that’s how people did it when they were dating. WRONG! In 9th grade I dated another T-Bird, thought everything was going great come to find out she was just cheating on me behind my back. Having been cheated on in back to back relationships I just kind of told myself cheating is apart of a relationship; then YORKER came and even before she could start cheating I started pushing her away, I knew just what to do to make it seem like opps I’m sorry and not like I’m pushing you away intentionally. And I did just that, this last time we were together I told myself all games aside no bullshit and no pushing her away no matter how hard things got. So things never got too hard, until my insecurities started coming out on their own and that’s where it went down hill from there. After the break-up, well even before the break up but after the damage we all ready done I tried to go back to my mental game plan with nothing gets in my way; but it was too late. About 2 weeks later I was talking to my Pooh and spilled out everything to her, I told her how it started and how it was ending with me in tears. I told her how my past taught me that everyone is a cheater and how I trusted her just didn’t know how to show her that I did.

How that the whole time ever we’ve been together she’s never given a hint or a sign of cheating me. Told her how I don’t even think she’s ever thought about cheating on me. I felt like crap after wards and even tried to explain to YORKER how I’d fucked up and knew I was wrong. How that I’d thought about it. But all YORKER said was she didn’t know, and I haven’t talked to her since that day. (with YORKER and I there’s probably more regrets but this one hurts the most because we started planning our lives; I just hope she wont walk away from all that now =/) I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I hope it’s the future that we planned together. And if you just happen to be stalking my blog I’m sorry and I fucked up, I know that now and I want you back.

2 For 1 Deal

BLOG DAY #17

Since lately I’ve been talking about YORKER, I’ll just keep going with our favorite memory. Well my favorite memory of us together. Most people who really know me, know that I don’t talk too much about good things because in my life nothing good ever lasts too long. But with YORKER we had some good memories. My favorite of all the years I’ve know her has to be this last time we was together. We started planning our lives out together. Starting with the kids, we had their names down packed, we knew who we was going to go to when we needed sperm, we were pre prepared. We wanted a boy first (everyone wants a boy first) we came up with the name Jerrell Marquis ______. And then about 2 years later I would get pregnant with out daughter named Kyra Renee or Alazja Renee ______. Now YORKER had came out with all the girl names by herself, how she did it I have the slightest idea but they’re all some good names. I know Renee was her best friend’s middle name who passed away (R.I.P BRE) and the rest I don’t know where they come from but she thought of them. (I like Alazja Renee best lol shh) And that was the kids, after the kids well kind of during the thought process of the kids name we mentally build out house. Me being me I didn’t care what it had as long as there was a walk in closet for our bedroom and she had a room for herself. I personally have a lot of clothes just me by myself, YORKER doesn’t have that many but she has shoes and will have clothes (come on now I’m going to be her wifey of course she has to have clothes.) So there was no doubt that we needed a walk in closet. Also I have OCD and when we watched the T.V channel dedicated to fixing people homes I noticed a lot of them had weird counter tops in the kitchen and I would go crazy if I had some of those things, I would be cleaning like crazy! So we talked about that. So our overall house had a master bedroom/bathroom with walk in closet, baby room, office space, and a room completely for YORKER and they guys (which would be sound proof.) after the house planning we started planning who would get what car, and how we’d hook it up. This one was the funniest for me because every car/SUV I picked out YORKER didn’t like it for me. She was really worried about the safety of it and how it ran and all of that. So at the point I didn’t pick a car/SUV because everything wasn’t good enough for me. (I wanted a Honda Pilot) The next thing on our list was our wedding. To me and every other gay not being able to get married is total bullshit! And we were no different in the subject so I told her I wanted a wedding and as long as she was coming home every night we’d be married. I wanted a wedding for the dressing up and so our friends could come and support us typical for gays. I was looking at wedding dresses just because I knew what YORKER wanted to see me in and how she wanted me to look. But before I could even get too invested into the wedding plans YORKER and I broke up. =/ I’m not sure if all the plans have burned and will never happen, but I hope they do for the simple fact I love her and she the only one I’ve ever planned my life out with, doing it with someone else just wouldn’t feel right to me. So hopefully she comes back to me soon.

DAY #18

Every birthday is good because you make another year, but I’ve never had a great birthday. Most of my “family” forgets my birthday and the rest don’t care to get me anything.

Smoochiies

BLOG DAY #16

My first kiss, well knowing me I just couldn’t be normal so I’m going tell both of my first kisses. And all the juicy details that go with them. I mean it wouldn’t be fun unless I do so right? Right!

B-Van was a boy in my first grade class. He had a big ass head and sat right by me. Because for some reason stupid teachers place kids in alphabetical order, I think that’s the stupidest idea ever! But hey teachers do it. So he and I sat next to each other and I don’t really remember how but we ended up near each other a lot during activities. During reading time this nigga would away find he way to sit by me or as close as he could. I would sit in the little corner with the bean-bag and he would try and sit in the little corner on the floor right next to my bean-bag. I would take my chair and pull it all the way by the front door and yeah you guessed it he was right there too. Even for lunch we would stalk me (haha) see back in first grade, well most of elementary school I never ate lunch. I loved to play tether ball so I would be the first out off class and the first on my favorite court. And I would stay right there until the bell ring. It was on a Tuesday me and B-Van kissed because we only had reading on Tuesday and Thursday and I remember Thursday, but first I have to tell you Tuesday. So I had ran to get the bean-bag again in my favorite corner and yea he was there. The next thing I know the book was covering out faces and we were kissing. The kiss was the standard 5 second kiss but it felt like it was never ending. So we went back to our seats and on Thursday we kissed again. So my first kiss was in first grade in the back of the class covered by a book, with a guy named B-Van.

My first lesbian kiss was with a girl we’ll call PIT-BULL (only because she had like 3 of them.) Pit-bull and I were best friends, she would always wait for me so we could eat together; and I was always at her house staying the night with her. I remember liking how she talked. (One thing about me is I watch how people lips move when they talk to me.) So I always watched her lips move whenever we would talk. And we talked about everything; we were only in the 3rd grade so there wasn’t that much to talk about anyways. We had the same class so a lot of days after school I would go to her house and we would do homework and if it was a weekend I would stay the night. I want to say it was her 10th birthday party and it was at her house, it was so much fun we dance, ate, and just had fun with people from school. After everyone left me and Pit-bull went to her room, I think I was waiting for my mom to come over and get me. We were lying in her bed and she was talking to me and her lips moved so gently I just leaned over and kissed her. I totally knew she had kiss before because of two reasons one: we went way past the standard 5 seconds and two: because I felt her tongue in my mouth. The only thing that stopped us was that her mom called me because my mom was outside waiting for me. I think that’s when I fell in love with my best friend. After that day and a few more days of kissing my best friend, things went back to normal and we just stop kissing each other. We weren’t going out so it wasn’t like a break-up it was just a break-up of kissing each other every time nobody was around.
Although I have kissed more guys than B-Van I would have to say he’s probably my favorite guy to kiss. I haven’t met a guy that can kiss like him. And Pit-bull was my first girl on girl kissing action and I loved every bit of it. Both of these people were a first for me and I love them both still.

Yes, I still watch people talk; and I’m stuck in a situation where I want to make out with someone just because their lip movement while they talk to me. Maybe that’ll be another first for me lol

The Freakyy Child Psychologist

BLOG DAY #15

So the term dreams in my head is kind of big, like do you mean last night dreams; or my lifetime dreams? And to stop all confusion in my head I’m just going to write about starting with last night dream because that was an interesting dream to say the least!!

Last Night Dream:

So that nothing is too obvious I’m going to say “that person” a lot so nobody thinks its them or someone else you know to just kill all questions. I honestly think that my mood last night had a lot to do with how my dream came out but I’ll just tell you what happened.

Me and that person were watching T.V; on T.V there was some fighting moves and I said” oh I can do that” they said yeah right so I was like get up like me show you. And it was in lesser terms kind of sexual move to begin with and the way I landed on them just made it even more sexual and you know in the movies when people have that deep eye stare? Yeah we had that and then we kissed (ah so wonderful) and then we got up. Like 2 minutes later I saw another move I could do so I said it; but all I really wanted was another kiss. So we got up and I did the move and it landed up an even more sexual position. All I could think was “perfect”. And we ended up kissing again and way much longer than the first time, way better than the first time too. This time neither one of us wanted to move so we laid there making out. I sat up to pull off my shirt. And we went back to making out, they took off their shirt and then my bra came off. (Ah it was so sexual!) They picked me up and we went into the bedroom and then I got up to get some ice =) (freak) and I rubbed the ice all down their body and my tongue followed. All the way down south. We also used some whipped cream. Then that person went down on me and there was nothing but the music and my moans surrounding the room. I tried to run from the great feeling of their tongue giving me pleasure but they wouldn’t let me get too far. I tried to use my hands to push their head away but my hands were cuffed to the bed post. At this point all I’m thinking is there go one orgasm who knows how many more the night has in store for us. After exploding I woke up because I had to pee and I couldn’t get back to my perfect dream after waking up. Super sucky!

Lifetime Dreams:

I’m going to school to be a Child Psychologist and that’s going to take up half of my lifetime. I want to open my own Child Psychology building. And I know how I want it to look and everything, it’s going to be like a YMCA kind of but with writing, dance, music, yoga, art, and gardening so the kids can use the building as a place where they escape and get away from whatever is bothering them. I haven’t thought of much after that because YORKER was supposed to help me with is, but we all know about that.

I also want to open a shelter home for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender kind of kids because they have a hard time coming out to their families and some families just kick them out no matter how young they are. And some of them can’t turn to anybody and just end up killing themselves. I don’t think that’s fair at all so I want it to be very open there so everybody can come and have support and a family. Also for those who are going to go have a sex-change they need somewhere to stay and I think my shelter would be great for them.

Of course I want to get married; I know what kind of dress I want already. I know what kind of shoes I want; I know everything I want for my wedding. Of course I and YORKER had everything planned. From the general time to how many people and the list of people we didn’t want to come at all. We even had our kids planned out, when we were getting me pregnant and who we would use and who was out the question. And we had their names planned out too; 1 boy and 1 girl. And if we got bored than we’d get pregnant again.

Slacker's Ketchup Blog

BLOG DAY #10 (what you wore today)
Today I wore pj’s all day because I was home all day until my mom came home then we went shopping and I wore my gray skinnes with a white shirt with black in it with my brand new gray, black and white vans. For anybody who knows me dressing like this is everyday unless I’m feeling lazy. I always match from head to toe and most times under that too. I strongly believe that everyday is a fashion show and you never know who looking at you so you need to dress up everyday that you can. Sometimes I just feel like crap or just in too much pain and I wont fully get dressed. But I still match, and I won’t waste an outfit if nobody will see me, meaning if I’m running around the corner to Fry’s I won’t get fully dressed. But if I’m going to school or to the mall or church then I get fully dressed, head to toe.

BLOG DAY #11 (siblings)
I have 1 older brother (Steven), 1 older sister (Ty), and my little sister (Christian). Out of all my siblings I and my younger sister get along the best. I love my little sister to death even though she can piss me off sometimes she’s still my love. When we were little we never got along and always fought! But eventually we got along and now we’re best friends. I tell her everything and she does me the same way. My brother and I just became come in about 2005 but im glad I have a big brother now. Its real nice, to have him to talk to now without it being all stupid weird between us. My older sister I careless for; we never got along and most likely we never will and it doesn’t bother me one bit. I feel like its just one fake ass person I have to worry about. I think its just one less person to care about which is always a good thing for.

BLOG DAY #12 (what’s in your bag)
1- ½ inch 3 ring binder
2- Pens (6)
3- Pencils
4- USB for my phone
5- Planner
6- I-pod headphones
7- Chap stick
8- Car max
9- Gun
10- Lady things
11- Perfume
12- I.D
13- Debit card
14- My sexuality book

BLOG DAY #13 (this week)
Monday- Child Development 9-10: 15 && Sexuality 11-12:40
Tuesday- At home
Wednesday- Child Development 9-10: 15 && Sexuality 11-12:40
Thursday- At home
Friday- Shopping
Saturday- Dance practice, Doctors. Hair Appointment (maybe)?

BLOG DAY #14 (what you wore today)
Today all I’ve wore was some basketball shorts and a gray shirt; haven’t been outside the house so I haven’t gotten dressed. We we’re supposed to be going up to my little sisters school but I think my mom forgot all about that because we’re still sitting in the house trying to figure out what we having for dinner. “/ which we do everyday.

Burn It All Away

SIDE NOTE FOR THE DAY (enjoy) :

Lately everything has just be weighing me down, there’s not really one time I remember all week enjoying and having an actual good laugh. I was really young when I learned how to fake a happy face, and I’ve been using it to my advantage ever since then. Now I feel like I’m using it everyday. And when people ask me what’s wrong I just change the subject and talk about them, I just don’t feel like talk about what’s going on with me anymore. Me talking about it just makes me want it more and I guess right now it’s not going to happen.

I’ve been going back to my bad habits more and more recently. There’s always something that makes me want to do it, but nowadays they’ve just been more demanding. I’m one of those people who rather feel inflected pain than having emotional pain. I’d rather burn something into myself, than feel the pain of something else. I use to be a cutter, but then I bled too much so I stopped cutting and started burning. So when I get emotional overwhelmed I burn a new thing into my wrist. I have a heart, and two star; I’ve been trying to no burn but every time something goes away, something else comes up. It’s just like draining and addicting to burn instead of feeling emotional pain.

Only one person knows that I burn (POOH) and she’s the only one I’ve ever told. YORKER found out because I slipped and lifted up my sleeve. Besides those two nobody else knows. This blog is keeping me from running in my room right now and burning, I guess it’s a good distraction but it doesn’t last a burn hurts for about 2-3 days depending on how well I do it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with burning at all, I can’t die from it, and health issues I don’t think there’s any.

I AM WHO I AM PLEASE DON'T TRY TO CHANGE MY MIND OR TELL ME WHAT I'M DOING IS WRONG I'M DAMN-NEARLY 20 YEARS OLD I KNOW HOW TO MAKE MY OWN CHOICES && THIS IS ONE OF THEM!!!

Fact v. Thoughts

BLOG DAY #9 [24 hours ago]

Today’s topic is beliefs. And for my side notes I wrote stuff, but I don’t know if they go with subject but that wont stop me from telling them anyways =)

I believe in God, but then again I’m kind of a proven or not proven person. I like proving things and if I can’t prove it then in my eyes its not true or just complicated, God falls in the complicated part. Church I really don’t go anymore, there’s they Sundays that I think about going but it’s just a thought and then I end up going back to sleep. Here’s here I am with church, I’ve had problems in the past with reading and going to church most times I don’t get anything their saying. So it’s like I’m sitting there for hours and not understanding anything? Also when I do understand its like offensive to me, (referring to lesbians or being raped) it’s like in my head I’m thinking “wth you have no idea what the hell you’re talking about” but I just sit there. I don’t think that church is bad, I mean there are good parts but church people are just as bad as people you see walking around on the streets. Meaning they will talk about you just as fast as someone on the streets will, most of they leave church and go back to cussing, drinking, smoking and all this other stuff, but they are quick to pass judgment on a gay or an adultery person. I once read that no sin is grater than the next, a sin is a sin there’s not like a level one and level 100. There’s this documentary I’m dying to watch just because like it’s all about God and the Church and stuff along those lines I really want to see what they have to say in it. It’s called Religulous it looks really interesting to watch, so I’m going to go rent it.

I’m a strong believer in having boundaries; at a very young age I learned all about boundaries and how every woman should have her lines drawn in the sand and never move them for anybody! And I still have mines, some people kind of have different boundaries but I have my general boundaries and then I have a list for a certain person. There’s way too many to list so I’ll just let you know that I have some and I’ve had most of them since middle school. When I was in the 10th grade I met a lady who told this story to me and it was about her boundaries. She said she was in a relationship with this nice guy and they were together for about 3 months and he started trying to move her boundaries and she said at first she wouldn’t move them no matter what he said, then one day he said that he would do anything she asked him, and that he loved her so he thought she would do the same thing for him. Long story short she loved her boundary and how she’s a single mother of 2 kids. All because she moved her boundaries I was like “na-uh my boundaries are grained into the floor!” but then again you’re not going to meet someone who’s according to all your boundaries so then you’re kind of stuck because then what do you do? Leave because they don’t fit one or two? Or stay because it’s only one or two? I had to make that choice and we talked it out so that we could both be happy.

The Turning Point

BLOG DAY #8

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was about 95 degrees and I walked to Signal Hill Park without any of my friends. I was going to see my boyfriend at the time (who we’ll call BLOWED). I didn’t like him or for that matter guys at all, but I was tired of hearing my mom bitch at me for being gay so BLOWED along with other guys were just there to throw her off my gay sent. BLOWED call me and asked me to go over because his dad was tripping on him. So I called my at that time my best friend to ask her was she going to go, she told me she would met me up there. I said okay so I began to walk by myself.


As soon as I got closer I got a feeling someone was watching me so I turned around and there was my first kiss. B-VAN he and I shared my first kiss we was in the first grade and I don’t even know what happened all I remember is us kissing, I think we kissed in class behind a book. (player player) I hadn’t seen him in years so it was nice to see him. He tried to talk his way back into my life but I told him about BLOWED and he responded in the only way I knew he would. He didn’t care about him; he just wanted me to be his again. After a bunch of laughs I started walking to the park to meet BLOWED.


Finally, I got there it took forever because I’d stop to talk to B-Van but I just lied and told him that I had to do something around the house. After that he claimed he had to get something out of house and didn’t want me to sit at the park by myself; and consist that I go with him. So I got up and went with him it was getting dark and crazy people lived by the park at night. When we got in the house he told me I could sit down on the chair. I told him I would just stand up because I didn’t want to get to comfy we shouldn’t have been there that long anyways.


The next part is the worse part of this story. Excuse the pain that you might feel through reading this entry. It had been about 10 minutes and I was getting antsy so I started easing to the door getting ready to leave, as soon as he came from the back room he threw me down on the couch and began to undo my pants. The jeans I had on were tight, I remember him slapping me because I was crossing my legs so my pants wouldn’t come down. I kicked and screamed as loud as I could, but I was already sick with a sore throat so my screams didn’t get that much farther out of the house. I began to just cry and cry hoping that would make up get off of me. Not only was he on top of my touching me in ways that I didn’t say yes to, but he was crushing my body and I started not being able to breathe more and more. I don’t remember how it happened but eventually he got my pants and panties off and I just started kicking and screaming louder and louder. There was one point where I bit him just to make him jump so I could breathe a little but more. Then the unthinkable had happened. I’d been raped without anybody knowing.


He told me that we had to go to the park because our friends were on their way and that they would know something was wrong if we weren’t there to meet them. So I’d went to the bathroom to clean up my face and we went down to the park to meet our friends, It wasn’t that easy trying to not yell out the fact that he’d just rape me to my best friend. So we all hung out at the park for a couple of hours. The whole time we were at the park, he made it seem like we were so” in love”, he held me close, kept kissing me, and always was touching me. When it was time for us to go, he pulled me aside and said “if you tell anybody what happened today I’ll slice your throat and you’ll never talk again.” On the way home with my friends all I remember was them asking me over and over what’s wrong because I was so quite. I felt so nasty, I felt like I had so many germs on me and inside of me. I never told anybody what really happened, and days after the rape happened, he broke up with me. It wasn’t the fact that we broke up that made it bad…but he told everyone that we had sex and it was time for him to move on, now because he “hit that.” So many times I just wanted to say “he’s lying; he laid there and raped me! We never had sex!” but part of me actually believed he would come after me and slice my throat, I’d saw all of his weapons and I’d seen the same things happen to ladies on TV. Although they were booked to play that part; I knew that it could really happen to me.


The night that this event took place (it’s not an event per say but I really don’t want to say rape over and over again.) I just felt so nasty, dirty, like I had germs everywhere inside and outside of my body. I walked in the house, with the smell of his house on my clothes. I’d got my clothes together to take a bath and I remember sitting in the bath tub for forever. So long my mom had to knock on the door to make sure I wasn’t sleep in the tub. I washed myself 18 times I remember because 12 was my lucky number but I felt so dirty I told myself I had to do more. I think it was that day I actually learned how to cry quietly. For months I just pretend nothing happened, that it never happened. So good that nobody ever thought about bringing it up again; so well that I started to believe myself that it was all a dream in my head, and I needed to block it out. So that’s what I did, I blocked it out my head completely; and tried to move on with my life…until the unthinkable happened.


Moving to Arizona I thought would be a way to make up a new me; ya know like in the movies how somebody moves away from the bad stuff and start all over in a new town? Yea I thought I would be able to do just that. As soon as I began this new life my old life stopped my dead in my tracks. BLOWED had found me on Myspace when I saw his face my hands started shaking, my face went blank and a weird feeling just took over my whole body. I didn’t add him as a friend so he wrote me a message; I’ll never forget what it says:

“So my love, I see that you have left me here alone in California without a single memory. Oh yeah that’s right, you gave me your pussy. Don’t think that I’ve forgot about you my love because I still dream about that day. I’ll never forget you kicking and screaming in my ear, it just made me want you more. And I got just what I wanted. Don’t think I’ve forgot our little deal, you tell and I’ll cut your throat bitch!!!

Love always – the best lover ever.”

Being 16 and reading that just brought back all the pain, emotions, fear, everything I’d mentally blocked had came back 1000 times harder. I deleted the message, and deleted that Myspace account and never went back to it. I started dreaming about when all this started, the first day my life changed and I started having nightmares. They we’re go bad and I was scared I trained myself to just not sleep at all. To prevent any nightmare from coming, any thoughts I’d ran from. All awhile I was in a relationship with YORKER. There were countless times I cried in her arms because of this, countless times I couldn’t handle it and she was with me. Sleeping with YORKER in her bed, in her arms was the only place I could sleep without feeling anything. I could sleep hours just in her bed. She understood everything and never passed any judgment. She was just there without any questions asked. Eventually it became too much and we broke up. Having YORKER there had become something I depended on; and when she wasn’t there it was just like “dang what do I do now?” So I went back to not sleeping. I would go to bed, but not to sleep; and if I did sleep, it was no more than 45 minutes than; I’ll go to school all day and come home and keep myself busy so I wouldn’t fall asleep. And that’s how I went through most of my high school years.


Thinking about everything and how it all played out, still makes my cry, doing this blog right now made me cry. But I think it’s made me stronger. From time to time I still have dreams about it and whenever YORKER and I are together, she clams me down, or she’ll come get me and we’ll hangout to get my mind off of it, but I think going through that will not only help me in the future with my job but it’ll make me a better person and parent.