STOPPED

Well I said it was just a matter of time before I had a complete melt down, and it happened.

About two weeks ago I had a river of emotions waiting to be let out but my wall blocking it. I was sad about a lot. But never showed or talked about it to anyone. I was hurting about other stuff. Defeated in other things; just an overwhelming feeling of everything. Although I had my close friends always there to talk to I just felt once the wall broke and the emotions poured out there wasn't going to be any stopping it. So to avoid all that I just became a mirror and started reflecting everything; shocking nobody ever noticed anything wrong with me. I've mastered the art of wearing a mask and now reflections are coming in handy too. I think the saddest part I think would be having only a couple of people to go to when something is wrong, because only a couple of people know who I really am to begin with. I can't walk up my cool friend Mrs. Granny Panties and be like "aye I burned last night" ya know she'll probably be like wtf!
But back to my story so I was emotionally backed up I guess that's a way to say it. And I don't remember how or even what I was doing at that time but I'd gotten so sad I started crying. I don't mean tear here, tear there. I mean booooo freeeeaking whoooo my bed covered in tissue from all my tears. I had an emotional breakdown literally. Everything that I'd be holding in all came out. Now let me pause, because you’re probably thinking "okay you cried you should've been okay afterwards." Now if you look at my previous post I clearly state how I hate feeling my own emotions. So after crying I basically felt bad, little, horrible so I did what I know I turned. Now usually I burn around the same area this time I felt risky so I burned at the very top of my wrist. I had a movie playing, so no one would here the lighter clicking. Burned a candle so you couldn't smell the lighter. And then I started burn my wrist. This is where it becomes a blur I sat there and I'd written DONE on my wrist to I could burn over it. Somewhere in between the O & N I pass out. I don't know why, and I don't know how. But when I wake back up, I have texts I have missed calls and I'm just like what happened!! Green Eyez and I were texting and I'd had a message from him so I told him I'd fallen asleep. Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out what happened!! So I everything aside mentally and I go to sleep. At this point I'm like trying to find long sleeve shirts to cover my wrist. So I survive the weekend now I have to face Green Eyez, hide my wrist, try to maintain calm, and just be me-ish. Got through the week. The most painful part was 1.) Hiding thing from Green Eyez & 2.) Hugging people, I hate fake hugs and using my arm/wrist in a hug hurt so bad! But I got through it.

I think a few days went by before I told my Pooh. The one person who I could tell, who wouldn't pass judgment on me. That one person who's been through everything with me. I told her and even through a text I could tell she was pretty pissed. I'd tried to protect burning as much as I could with her, but to her my life is way more important than that. We had a heart to heart and I felt like I use to feel with her. I'd told her I would stop and that was the conversation. When it comes to my emotions I think outta all my close friends; she knows how to deal with them best. She might not always understand them but she knows how to deal best with them. I'll show you in like 2.4.

Friday, November 13th I finally told Green Eyez mind you he's like totally 5x's anti burning for me. So I went through the whole night explained why I'd lied and it would become clear why I hadn't told him. But just like I broke it down for y'all I did that for him. Pooh didn't need all that, some reason I can just tell her how it is; with Green Eyez I always have to leeeead up to what I wanna say. So being anti on this whole thing he got mad. We barely talked the rest of Friday and most of today (Saturday) was gone before we talked again. Now here where Pooh and Green Eyez and probably 89% of others differ; Pooh was mad but didn't show it too much. She understands pushing me away (getting mad, cussing, yelling, not talking, not trying to understand, ect.) is only pushing me into burning more. Now Green Eyez/others wouldn't see it that way. They're just like you done wrong and I don't wanna talk to you. Which for me makes me just wanna burn more. But eventually he and I started talking again.

Now the key to my not burning is to stay busy as I can. Besides school I’m having a NOH8 photo shoot at my house with all my friends and myself in it. Not only is it a good cause but it’s something that’s keeping me busy. NOH8 for those of you who don’t know is a gay-straight alliance/awareness and it’s really cool and so up to date on everything gay and how straight people can help and everything so I’m totally 100% into it. While I was on the website I noticed that it was only celebrities so I was like no I want one with all my friends and we’re going to do our own. I didn’t think anyone would want to do it but turns out everyone wants to do it and only one person said no and that’s because she’s stupid and has no life! but everyone is coming that day or coming another day soon so then I’ll take everyone pictures and make one big collection of them all and it’ll be great. So I’ve been planning that out for about a week. The other thing I’m planning I can’t really talk about because it’s totally x-rated. Even though I’m planning all of this I still don’t think it’s enough to keep me from my old friends (lighter & needle) for too long but I told my Pooh I wouldn’t so I’m going to try my hardest to do just that.

Outside of the burning the rest of my life is just as complicated. There’s nothing going easily or smooth anymore. And it’s like I’m at the bottom of the barrel so hopefully there’s nothing but sunshine and blue sky’s from here on out. Otherwise shoot I don’t know what’s after that.

TERRITORIAL