Alone In The World

I can't even begin to express how I'm feeling. I've expressed it once before and I still have no answers. The feeling of defeate and giving up has came over me. I feel like just making a fire and blowing everything in it.

I went to my lighter and needle about 2wks ago just to find out, I had not fire in my lighter. I asked Pooh to send me one but she's not down for it. And I haven't been able to burn because I haven't got a lighter. I just need an escape away from everything.

Normally people have friends to talk to about this but there's two problems with that. 1.) Mentally I only have one friend and physically I have no one. I just feel I'm always there for people around me, but its like no one can be there for me. (Besides that one person) So to avoid all that I've been like a mirror to everyone. Most people I hang out with are happy so I just reflect whatever their feeling back to them. No emotionally I'm disconnected but I appear perfectly normal. And its been working to my advantage too.

Generally school gets me away from everything. Unfortunately that's not the case. Let me break it down for you. I'm taking child development, it only makes sence child psychologist taking child development. But for me the class is just more than watchin how children grown. It makes me want a little bby and that thought takes me to YORKER and by now everyone except her knows how I feel. I even canceled a party invite because I knew she would be there.. the other class in taking is philosophy of sexuality and that's just a direct link to YORKER, my whole sex life was wit her. Yea there were other people but most of it was YORKER.

Again I'm just at a fucking loss with this thing I call my life. "/

I'm Done!!

Although I’ve been really on myself to finish this blog challenge, I’m done. It was fun while it lasted and I really had fun doing it but it’s bad timing for me right now. With everything that’s going on personally just trying to do this blog challenge and go through what I’m going through is too much. So as of now my challenge is over.

Lately YORKER has been on my mind like all the time! There isn’t a day I don’t dream or think about her at least 5 times; and its breaking me down mentally. With missing her and thinking about her all the time has brought me to want to burn way more now. I haven’t done it in about 3 months but its been running through my head way more now than the last 3 month put together. I figured it was better than I cause pain then to feel pain from me and YORKER. But to stop from burning I’m going to try and get something pierced or another tattoo just for the pain factor. Only thing is, piercing don’t hurt me that much.

So for those of you who were enjoying my blog topics, I’m sorry but I’m out. Its just too much to do all together with YORKER and family its just overwhelming. I’ll still write every now and then this doesn’t mean that I’m done blogging forever but just for now I need a break from everything! But I will be back…soon I hope.

Tearing Me Up

BLOG DAY #20

This month hasn’t been that bad. I’m around more people now and in school which are both helping me with this YORKER thing. I like both of my classes and I’ve already learned a lot although they are both super long I like them. Sex class we have so many jokes in there you just want to go; and as far as child development it’s just super interesting and I’m learning so much.

As far as relationships with people, they’re changing some for the better and some going for the worse. Its kind of like people I wouldn’t expect to be so close to me are closer than ever. Like those are the people I text when I can’t sleep or if I need to cry my eyes out about YORKER. And for the people I called my “close” friends I have no idea where the hell they even are in my life right now. The ones that I use to talk to about everything are no where to be found when I need them and even further away when they’re right there. I just don’t understand and I’m seriously tired of trying to figure it out, whoever is here is here and if they not then whatever. I’m not going to kiss anybody’s ass to be a half-ass friend to me when I can get a full time all the way friend 24/7.

With this month and YORKER; its just been a lot to take in. although this blog helps me get things out I just feel like what it helping if I cant tell her or if I’m not talking to her ya know? It’s kind of for my own personal thing to get it out but getting it out means I think about, thinking about it means questions are asked, questions asked means I cry and crying makes me want her more. But talking about it has opened my eyes about other things. At this point I just wish I could see my future, I want to know if everything I want (YORKER, my building, my own family) will happen or am I waiting around for nothing?

I talked about being “fake” in the sense that I can trick anybody to thinking that I’m happy with just the right smile, the right voice and my always right outfits. Today I was just walking from my class to go to meet a friend and this guy stopped me and said “every time I see you, you’re just so happy and full of life.” My first thoughts was damn your watching me. But then my second thoughts went to dang I must be getting better at this “fake” me. None of my best friends or “close” friends ever think anything is wrong with me; in a way it’s kind of like okay all going to plan, but then again its like would they care if they knew the truth? A question I have the slightest answer to…

Herstory In the Makin

BLOG DAY #19

Something I regret isn’t that hard to think of sadly, there have been a lot of regretful times in my whole 19 years on this Earth. But 3 of them stick out to me the most well mainly two but so yeah I’m just going to talk about two of them.

I regret not saying goodbye to my dad. When I was 15 my dad died. I’d known him 5 years before that and we got along great. 2 weeks for summer break was spent as his house every summer and a week for every holiday break I got more than a week off. When we first met I was already 10 and he wasn’t that sick, although it was hard for him to walk around a lot without getting tired quickly. When I was about 13 I noticed how sick he was getting he lived in Landcaster, CA and he couldn’t even walk around his apt without getting tired. Maybe when I was also 13 I noticed he started using a breathing machine, so he wouldn’t feel that tired after walking around the house. It’s kind of like the ones they have at the hospitals but you use it at home whenever you need it. It seemed like the more I went to visit the more he was on the machine. There were a lot of times I went in my room at his house and cried because here was this great guy who was my dad and here he was dying before I could really get to know him.
When I was 14 I remember me and my mom rushing out to Landcaster (about an hour drive from our house) to see my dad who was now in the hospital bed; I don’t remember anything he was saying or the nurse was saying to my mom. All I remember was the walls, the smell, and the hallways, how it looks like so many people had died and how the hallways never ended. All the walls were the same; all the rooms were the same. Everything was all the same and it freaked me out. Since then I’ve developed a phobia of hospitals; my hands get sweaty, my knees start to shake, my head gets light, and my heart goes faster than after I run a 400 meter dash. And then my anxiety kicks in and then I have to go outside to get air before my anxiety make it impossible for me to breath at all. After the whole hospital thing he was able to go back home a few days after they ran some tests on him. And not too long after that he died; I wasn’t ready to say goodbye nor was I ready to attend my first funeral ever. I was only 15 how I could loose my dad at 15 when I just met him 5 years ago!! I met my other brothers and sisters. Altogether my dad had 9 kids (me being the youngest of course.) And according to everyone there I looked just like my daddy, I guess when you’re going to miss someone who pass on you want to hear that people see a little bit of them in you. But hearing that didn’t stop the tears from flowing as soon as the funeral started.

The part I hated the most besides the whole thing; well the two parts I hated was 1. Everyone saying it was a “celebration” in my head all I could think was “what in the hell are we celebrating? My dad is dead, there’s no celebration there.” But I just cried and cried, and my cousin (I think she is.) just held me and let me mess up her pretty shirt. And this is where regret starts to set in because as everyone was walking to go say their goodbyes I just couldn’t find it in me to go do it. I don’t think I could come up with an excuse with that one I just wasn’t ready to say goodbye nor could I even move. And to make things even worse I didn’t even go to his barrel (sp). I only thought that if I go that it would all become too real, and I didn’t want it to be. Everyday for about 2 weeks I called his house number to hear is voice on his voicemail. I just wasn’t ready to let go of him. The only picture I had of him came out of his obituary and I still have it.

I look about 3 months to be able to look at it without crying. But there are times, like around most holidays, and his birthday where I just loose it. I’ll stay in my bed with his obituary and just cry and cry and won’t move unless I need to pee. I didn’t only loose a dad at 15 but I lost a best friend at 15. but everything I do now I do for him; even though he cant be there to see me through it all I know he’s up there watching over me saying that my little girl right there. Before every race I run I give a kiss to the sky to let him know this one is for you, and at graduation I gave him a kiss. He’s watch me do everything and he’ll continue to watch over me. And I’ll always know that my dad is an angle in haven watching over me.


My second regret won’t be as long as the first, or well I don’t think it will be. Since my dad died letting people get close to he hasn’t been on my, to do list at all. Every time I felt someone getting too close I had a way for them to want to leave. I stopped talking to them or I just started a huge fight. After my dad died I just knew I didn’t want to feel that pain of getting close and then having someone ripped away from me, so nobody was close to me, knew too much about me, or did I really care about enough. After about 3 years of blocking to world out of my life I met YORKER. There was something about her that was so intriguing to me and I just had to know more about her. Our history together is not only a long one it’s a rocky one, anyone who knows us knows we’ve broke-up 20000 times and been together 400000 times. I’m the kind of girl that has to have someone strong, not only physically but I guess it would be mentally. I hate people I can push over! I hate pussy as niggas! In lesser terms; push overs are so boring and I hate boring because then I just feel the need to be a bitch all the time and with YORKER that was never the case. All the time we’ve been together I’ve never been bored with her. Even just me and her chilling at her house while I watch her play video games; with anyone else it would be shoot me in my face boring but with her its just fun. She talks to me about how it works and I even give her good luck kisses (which always work.)

If you read yesterday blog you saw how me and YORKER started planning or lives out but it doesn’t say why we broke up. Well here it goes my #2 regret which as been in my and YORKERS relationship for a long time. You’ve read the history on T-Bird and I well that’s where my problem set in. when T-Bird and I were dated she cheated a lot, and I look her back because I thought that’s how people did it when they were dating. WRONG! In 9th grade I dated another T-Bird, thought everything was going great come to find out she was just cheating on me behind my back. Having been cheated on in back to back relationships I just kind of told myself cheating is apart of a relationship; then YORKER came and even before she could start cheating I started pushing her away, I knew just what to do to make it seem like opps I’m sorry and not like I’m pushing you away intentionally. And I did just that, this last time we were together I told myself all games aside no bullshit and no pushing her away no matter how hard things got. So things never got too hard, until my insecurities started coming out on their own and that’s where it went down hill from there. After the break-up, well even before the break up but after the damage we all ready done I tried to go back to my mental game plan with nothing gets in my way; but it was too late. About 2 weeks later I was talking to my Pooh and spilled out everything to her, I told her how it started and how it was ending with me in tears. I told her how my past taught me that everyone is a cheater and how I trusted her just didn’t know how to show her that I did.

How that the whole time ever we’ve been together she’s never given a hint or a sign of cheating me. Told her how I don’t even think she’s ever thought about cheating on me. I felt like crap after wards and even tried to explain to YORKER how I’d fucked up and knew I was wrong. How that I’d thought about it. But all YORKER said was she didn’t know, and I haven’t talked to her since that day. (with YORKER and I there’s probably more regrets but this one hurts the most because we started planning our lives; I just hope she wont walk away from all that now =/) I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I hope it’s the future that we planned together. And if you just happen to be stalking my blog I’m sorry and I fucked up, I know that now and I want you back.

2 For 1 Deal

BLOG DAY #17

Since lately I’ve been talking about YORKER, I’ll just keep going with our favorite memory. Well my favorite memory of us together. Most people who really know me, know that I don’t talk too much about good things because in my life nothing good ever lasts too long. But with YORKER we had some good memories. My favorite of all the years I’ve know her has to be this last time we was together. We started planning our lives out together. Starting with the kids, we had their names down packed, we knew who we was going to go to when we needed sperm, we were pre prepared. We wanted a boy first (everyone wants a boy first) we came up with the name Jerrell Marquis ______. And then about 2 years later I would get pregnant with out daughter named Kyra Renee or Alazja Renee ______. Now YORKER had came out with all the girl names by herself, how she did it I have the slightest idea but they’re all some good names. I know Renee was her best friend’s middle name who passed away (R.I.P BRE) and the rest I don’t know where they come from but she thought of them. (I like Alazja Renee best lol shh) And that was the kids, after the kids well kind of during the thought process of the kids name we mentally build out house. Me being me I didn’t care what it had as long as there was a walk in closet for our bedroom and she had a room for herself. I personally have a lot of clothes just me by myself, YORKER doesn’t have that many but she has shoes and will have clothes (come on now I’m going to be her wifey of course she has to have clothes.) So there was no doubt that we needed a walk in closet. Also I have OCD and when we watched the T.V channel dedicated to fixing people homes I noticed a lot of them had weird counter tops in the kitchen and I would go crazy if I had some of those things, I would be cleaning like crazy! So we talked about that. So our overall house had a master bedroom/bathroom with walk in closet, baby room, office space, and a room completely for YORKER and they guys (which would be sound proof.) after the house planning we started planning who would get what car, and how we’d hook it up. This one was the funniest for me because every car/SUV I picked out YORKER didn’t like it for me. She was really worried about the safety of it and how it ran and all of that. So at the point I didn’t pick a car/SUV because everything wasn’t good enough for me. (I wanted a Honda Pilot) The next thing on our list was our wedding. To me and every other gay not being able to get married is total bullshit! And we were no different in the subject so I told her I wanted a wedding and as long as she was coming home every night we’d be married. I wanted a wedding for the dressing up and so our friends could come and support us typical for gays. I was looking at wedding dresses just because I knew what YORKER wanted to see me in and how she wanted me to look. But before I could even get too invested into the wedding plans YORKER and I broke up. =/ I’m not sure if all the plans have burned and will never happen, but I hope they do for the simple fact I love her and she the only one I’ve ever planned my life out with, doing it with someone else just wouldn’t feel right to me. So hopefully she comes back to me soon.

DAY #18

Every birthday is good because you make another year, but I’ve never had a great birthday. Most of my “family” forgets my birthday and the rest don’t care to get me anything.

Smoochiies

BLOG DAY #16

My first kiss, well knowing me I just couldn’t be normal so I’m going tell both of my first kisses. And all the juicy details that go with them. I mean it wouldn’t be fun unless I do so right? Right!

B-Van was a boy in my first grade class. He had a big ass head and sat right by me. Because for some reason stupid teachers place kids in alphabetical order, I think that’s the stupidest idea ever! But hey teachers do it. So he and I sat next to each other and I don’t really remember how but we ended up near each other a lot during activities. During reading time this nigga would away find he way to sit by me or as close as he could. I would sit in the little corner with the bean-bag and he would try and sit in the little corner on the floor right next to my bean-bag. I would take my chair and pull it all the way by the front door and yeah you guessed it he was right there too. Even for lunch we would stalk me (haha) see back in first grade, well most of elementary school I never ate lunch. I loved to play tether ball so I would be the first out off class and the first on my favorite court. And I would stay right there until the bell ring. It was on a Tuesday me and B-Van kissed because we only had reading on Tuesday and Thursday and I remember Thursday, but first I have to tell you Tuesday. So I had ran to get the bean-bag again in my favorite corner and yea he was there. The next thing I know the book was covering out faces and we were kissing. The kiss was the standard 5 second kiss but it felt like it was never ending. So we went back to our seats and on Thursday we kissed again. So my first kiss was in first grade in the back of the class covered by a book, with a guy named B-Van.

My first lesbian kiss was with a girl we’ll call PIT-BULL (only because she had like 3 of them.) Pit-bull and I were best friends, she would always wait for me so we could eat together; and I was always at her house staying the night with her. I remember liking how she talked. (One thing about me is I watch how people lips move when they talk to me.) So I always watched her lips move whenever we would talk. And we talked about everything; we were only in the 3rd grade so there wasn’t that much to talk about anyways. We had the same class so a lot of days after school I would go to her house and we would do homework and if it was a weekend I would stay the night. I want to say it was her 10th birthday party and it was at her house, it was so much fun we dance, ate, and just had fun with people from school. After everyone left me and Pit-bull went to her room, I think I was waiting for my mom to come over and get me. We were lying in her bed and she was talking to me and her lips moved so gently I just leaned over and kissed her. I totally knew she had kiss before because of two reasons one: we went way past the standard 5 seconds and two: because I felt her tongue in my mouth. The only thing that stopped us was that her mom called me because my mom was outside waiting for me. I think that’s when I fell in love with my best friend. After that day and a few more days of kissing my best friend, things went back to normal and we just stop kissing each other. We weren’t going out so it wasn’t like a break-up it was just a break-up of kissing each other every time nobody was around.
Although I have kissed more guys than B-Van I would have to say he’s probably my favorite guy to kiss. I haven’t met a guy that can kiss like him. And Pit-bull was my first girl on girl kissing action and I loved every bit of it. Both of these people were a first for me and I love them both still.

Yes, I still watch people talk; and I’m stuck in a situation where I want to make out with someone just because their lip movement while they talk to me. Maybe that’ll be another first for me lol

The Freakyy Child Psychologist

BLOG DAY #15

So the term dreams in my head is kind of big, like do you mean last night dreams; or my lifetime dreams? And to stop all confusion in my head I’m just going to write about starting with last night dream because that was an interesting dream to say the least!!

Last Night Dream:

So that nothing is too obvious I’m going to say “that person” a lot so nobody thinks its them or someone else you know to just kill all questions. I honestly think that my mood last night had a lot to do with how my dream came out but I’ll just tell you what happened.

Me and that person were watching T.V; on T.V there was some fighting moves and I said” oh I can do that” they said yeah right so I was like get up like me show you. And it was in lesser terms kind of sexual move to begin with and the way I landed on them just made it even more sexual and you know in the movies when people have that deep eye stare? Yeah we had that and then we kissed (ah so wonderful) and then we got up. Like 2 minutes later I saw another move I could do so I said it; but all I really wanted was another kiss. So we got up and I did the move and it landed up an even more sexual position. All I could think was “perfect”. And we ended up kissing again and way much longer than the first time, way better than the first time too. This time neither one of us wanted to move so we laid there making out. I sat up to pull off my shirt. And we went back to making out, they took off their shirt and then my bra came off. (Ah it was so sexual!) They picked me up and we went into the bedroom and then I got up to get some ice =) (freak) and I rubbed the ice all down their body and my tongue followed. All the way down south. We also used some whipped cream. Then that person went down on me and there was nothing but the music and my moans surrounding the room. I tried to run from the great feeling of their tongue giving me pleasure but they wouldn’t let me get too far. I tried to use my hands to push their head away but my hands were cuffed to the bed post. At this point all I’m thinking is there go one orgasm who knows how many more the night has in store for us. After exploding I woke up because I had to pee and I couldn’t get back to my perfect dream after waking up. Super sucky!

Lifetime Dreams:

I’m going to school to be a Child Psychologist and that’s going to take up half of my lifetime. I want to open my own Child Psychology building. And I know how I want it to look and everything, it’s going to be like a YMCA kind of but with writing, dance, music, yoga, art, and gardening so the kids can use the building as a place where they escape and get away from whatever is bothering them. I haven’t thought of much after that because YORKER was supposed to help me with is, but we all know about that.

I also want to open a shelter home for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender kind of kids because they have a hard time coming out to their families and some families just kick them out no matter how young they are. And some of them can’t turn to anybody and just end up killing themselves. I don’t think that’s fair at all so I want it to be very open there so everybody can come and have support and a family. Also for those who are going to go have a sex-change they need somewhere to stay and I think my shelter would be great for them.

Of course I want to get married; I know what kind of dress I want already. I know what kind of shoes I want; I know everything I want for my wedding. Of course I and YORKER had everything planned. From the general time to how many people and the list of people we didn’t want to come at all. We even had our kids planned out, when we were getting me pregnant and who we would use and who was out the question. And we had their names planned out too; 1 boy and 1 girl. And if we got bored than we’d get pregnant again.

Slacker's Ketchup Blog

BLOG DAY #10 (what you wore today)
Today I wore pj’s all day because I was home all day until my mom came home then we went shopping and I wore my gray skinnes with a white shirt with black in it with my brand new gray, black and white vans. For anybody who knows me dressing like this is everyday unless I’m feeling lazy. I always match from head to toe and most times under that too. I strongly believe that everyday is a fashion show and you never know who looking at you so you need to dress up everyday that you can. Sometimes I just feel like crap or just in too much pain and I wont fully get dressed. But I still match, and I won’t waste an outfit if nobody will see me, meaning if I’m running around the corner to Fry’s I won’t get fully dressed. But if I’m going to school or to the mall or church then I get fully dressed, head to toe.

BLOG DAY #11 (siblings)
I have 1 older brother (Steven), 1 older sister (Ty), and my little sister (Christian). Out of all my siblings I and my younger sister get along the best. I love my little sister to death even though she can piss me off sometimes she’s still my love. When we were little we never got along and always fought! But eventually we got along and now we’re best friends. I tell her everything and she does me the same way. My brother and I just became come in about 2005 but im glad I have a big brother now. Its real nice, to have him to talk to now without it being all stupid weird between us. My older sister I careless for; we never got along and most likely we never will and it doesn’t bother me one bit. I feel like its just one fake ass person I have to worry about. I think its just one less person to care about which is always a good thing for.

BLOG DAY #12 (what’s in your bag)
1- ½ inch 3 ring binder
2- Pens (6)
3- Pencils
4- USB for my phone
5- Planner
6- I-pod headphones
7- Chap stick
8- Car max
9- Gun
10- Lady things
11- Perfume
12- I.D
13- Debit card
14- My sexuality book

BLOG DAY #13 (this week)
Monday- Child Development 9-10: 15 && Sexuality 11-12:40
Tuesday- At home
Wednesday- Child Development 9-10: 15 && Sexuality 11-12:40
Thursday- At home
Friday- Shopping
Saturday- Dance practice, Doctors. Hair Appointment (maybe)?

BLOG DAY #14 (what you wore today)
Today all I’ve wore was some basketball shorts and a gray shirt; haven’t been outside the house so I haven’t gotten dressed. We we’re supposed to be going up to my little sisters school but I think my mom forgot all about that because we’re still sitting in the house trying to figure out what we having for dinner. “/ which we do everyday.

Burn It All Away

SIDE NOTE FOR THE DAY (enjoy) :

Lately everything has just be weighing me down, there’s not really one time I remember all week enjoying and having an actual good laugh. I was really young when I learned how to fake a happy face, and I’ve been using it to my advantage ever since then. Now I feel like I’m using it everyday. And when people ask me what’s wrong I just change the subject and talk about them, I just don’t feel like talk about what’s going on with me anymore. Me talking about it just makes me want it more and I guess right now it’s not going to happen.

I’ve been going back to my bad habits more and more recently. There’s always something that makes me want to do it, but nowadays they’ve just been more demanding. I’m one of those people who rather feel inflected pain than having emotional pain. I’d rather burn something into myself, than feel the pain of something else. I use to be a cutter, but then I bled too much so I stopped cutting and started burning. So when I get emotional overwhelmed I burn a new thing into my wrist. I have a heart, and two star; I’ve been trying to no burn but every time something goes away, something else comes up. It’s just like draining and addicting to burn instead of feeling emotional pain.

Only one person knows that I burn (POOH) and she’s the only one I’ve ever told. YORKER found out because I slipped and lifted up my sleeve. Besides those two nobody else knows. This blog is keeping me from running in my room right now and burning, I guess it’s a good distraction but it doesn’t last a burn hurts for about 2-3 days depending on how well I do it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with burning at all, I can’t die from it, and health issues I don’t think there’s any.

I AM WHO I AM PLEASE DON'T TRY TO CHANGE MY MIND OR TELL ME WHAT I'M DOING IS WRONG I'M DAMN-NEARLY 20 YEARS OLD I KNOW HOW TO MAKE MY OWN CHOICES && THIS IS ONE OF THEM!!!

Fact v. Thoughts

BLOG DAY #9 [24 hours ago]

Today’s topic is beliefs. And for my side notes I wrote stuff, but I don’t know if they go with subject but that wont stop me from telling them anyways =)

I believe in God, but then again I’m kind of a proven or not proven person. I like proving things and if I can’t prove it then in my eyes its not true or just complicated, God falls in the complicated part. Church I really don’t go anymore, there’s they Sundays that I think about going but it’s just a thought and then I end up going back to sleep. Here’s here I am with church, I’ve had problems in the past with reading and going to church most times I don’t get anything their saying. So it’s like I’m sitting there for hours and not understanding anything? Also when I do understand its like offensive to me, (referring to lesbians or being raped) it’s like in my head I’m thinking “wth you have no idea what the hell you’re talking about” but I just sit there. I don’t think that church is bad, I mean there are good parts but church people are just as bad as people you see walking around on the streets. Meaning they will talk about you just as fast as someone on the streets will, most of they leave church and go back to cussing, drinking, smoking and all this other stuff, but they are quick to pass judgment on a gay or an adultery person. I once read that no sin is grater than the next, a sin is a sin there’s not like a level one and level 100. There’s this documentary I’m dying to watch just because like it’s all about God and the Church and stuff along those lines I really want to see what they have to say in it. It’s called Religulous it looks really interesting to watch, so I’m going to go rent it.

I’m a strong believer in having boundaries; at a very young age I learned all about boundaries and how every woman should have her lines drawn in the sand and never move them for anybody! And I still have mines, some people kind of have different boundaries but I have my general boundaries and then I have a list for a certain person. There’s way too many to list so I’ll just let you know that I have some and I’ve had most of them since middle school. When I was in the 10th grade I met a lady who told this story to me and it was about her boundaries. She said she was in a relationship with this nice guy and they were together for about 3 months and he started trying to move her boundaries and she said at first she wouldn’t move them no matter what he said, then one day he said that he would do anything she asked him, and that he loved her so he thought she would do the same thing for him. Long story short she loved her boundary and how she’s a single mother of 2 kids. All because she moved her boundaries I was like “na-uh my boundaries are grained into the floor!” but then again you’re not going to meet someone who’s according to all your boundaries so then you’re kind of stuck because then what do you do? Leave because they don’t fit one or two? Or stay because it’s only one or two? I had to make that choice and we talked it out so that we could both be happy.

The Turning Point

BLOG DAY #8

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was about 95 degrees and I walked to Signal Hill Park without any of my friends. I was going to see my boyfriend at the time (who we’ll call BLOWED). I didn’t like him or for that matter guys at all, but I was tired of hearing my mom bitch at me for being gay so BLOWED along with other guys were just there to throw her off my gay sent. BLOWED call me and asked me to go over because his dad was tripping on him. So I called my at that time my best friend to ask her was she going to go, she told me she would met me up there. I said okay so I began to walk by myself.


As soon as I got closer I got a feeling someone was watching me so I turned around and there was my first kiss. B-VAN he and I shared my first kiss we was in the first grade and I don’t even know what happened all I remember is us kissing, I think we kissed in class behind a book. (player player) I hadn’t seen him in years so it was nice to see him. He tried to talk his way back into my life but I told him about BLOWED and he responded in the only way I knew he would. He didn’t care about him; he just wanted me to be his again. After a bunch of laughs I started walking to the park to meet BLOWED.


Finally, I got there it took forever because I’d stop to talk to B-Van but I just lied and told him that I had to do something around the house. After that he claimed he had to get something out of house and didn’t want me to sit at the park by myself; and consist that I go with him. So I got up and went with him it was getting dark and crazy people lived by the park at night. When we got in the house he told me I could sit down on the chair. I told him I would just stand up because I didn’t want to get to comfy we shouldn’t have been there that long anyways.


The next part is the worse part of this story. Excuse the pain that you might feel through reading this entry. It had been about 10 minutes and I was getting antsy so I started easing to the door getting ready to leave, as soon as he came from the back room he threw me down on the couch and began to undo my pants. The jeans I had on were tight, I remember him slapping me because I was crossing my legs so my pants wouldn’t come down. I kicked and screamed as loud as I could, but I was already sick with a sore throat so my screams didn’t get that much farther out of the house. I began to just cry and cry hoping that would make up get off of me. Not only was he on top of my touching me in ways that I didn’t say yes to, but he was crushing my body and I started not being able to breathe more and more. I don’t remember how it happened but eventually he got my pants and panties off and I just started kicking and screaming louder and louder. There was one point where I bit him just to make him jump so I could breathe a little but more. Then the unthinkable had happened. I’d been raped without anybody knowing.


He told me that we had to go to the park because our friends were on their way and that they would know something was wrong if we weren’t there to meet them. So I’d went to the bathroom to clean up my face and we went down to the park to meet our friends, It wasn’t that easy trying to not yell out the fact that he’d just rape me to my best friend. So we all hung out at the park for a couple of hours. The whole time we were at the park, he made it seem like we were so” in love”, he held me close, kept kissing me, and always was touching me. When it was time for us to go, he pulled me aside and said “if you tell anybody what happened today I’ll slice your throat and you’ll never talk again.” On the way home with my friends all I remember was them asking me over and over what’s wrong because I was so quite. I felt so nasty, I felt like I had so many germs on me and inside of me. I never told anybody what really happened, and days after the rape happened, he broke up with me. It wasn’t the fact that we broke up that made it bad…but he told everyone that we had sex and it was time for him to move on, now because he “hit that.” So many times I just wanted to say “he’s lying; he laid there and raped me! We never had sex!” but part of me actually believed he would come after me and slice my throat, I’d saw all of his weapons and I’d seen the same things happen to ladies on TV. Although they were booked to play that part; I knew that it could really happen to me.


The night that this event took place (it’s not an event per say but I really don’t want to say rape over and over again.) I just felt so nasty, dirty, like I had germs everywhere inside and outside of my body. I walked in the house, with the smell of his house on my clothes. I’d got my clothes together to take a bath and I remember sitting in the bath tub for forever. So long my mom had to knock on the door to make sure I wasn’t sleep in the tub. I washed myself 18 times I remember because 12 was my lucky number but I felt so dirty I told myself I had to do more. I think it was that day I actually learned how to cry quietly. For months I just pretend nothing happened, that it never happened. So good that nobody ever thought about bringing it up again; so well that I started to believe myself that it was all a dream in my head, and I needed to block it out. So that’s what I did, I blocked it out my head completely; and tried to move on with my life…until the unthinkable happened.


Moving to Arizona I thought would be a way to make up a new me; ya know like in the movies how somebody moves away from the bad stuff and start all over in a new town? Yea I thought I would be able to do just that. As soon as I began this new life my old life stopped my dead in my tracks. BLOWED had found me on Myspace when I saw his face my hands started shaking, my face went blank and a weird feeling just took over my whole body. I didn’t add him as a friend so he wrote me a message; I’ll never forget what it says:

“So my love, I see that you have left me here alone in California without a single memory. Oh yeah that’s right, you gave me your pussy. Don’t think that I’ve forgot about you my love because I still dream about that day. I’ll never forget you kicking and screaming in my ear, it just made me want you more. And I got just what I wanted. Don’t think I’ve forgot our little deal, you tell and I’ll cut your throat bitch!!!

Love always – the best lover ever.”

Being 16 and reading that just brought back all the pain, emotions, fear, everything I’d mentally blocked had came back 1000 times harder. I deleted the message, and deleted that Myspace account and never went back to it. I started dreaming about when all this started, the first day my life changed and I started having nightmares. They we’re go bad and I was scared I trained myself to just not sleep at all. To prevent any nightmare from coming, any thoughts I’d ran from. All awhile I was in a relationship with YORKER. There were countless times I cried in her arms because of this, countless times I couldn’t handle it and she was with me. Sleeping with YORKER in her bed, in her arms was the only place I could sleep without feeling anything. I could sleep hours just in her bed. She understood everything and never passed any judgment. She was just there without any questions asked. Eventually it became too much and we broke up. Having YORKER there had become something I depended on; and when she wasn’t there it was just like “dang what do I do now?” So I went back to not sleeping. I would go to bed, but not to sleep; and if I did sleep, it was no more than 45 minutes than; I’ll go to school all day and come home and keep myself busy so I wouldn’t fall asleep. And that’s how I went through most of my high school years.


Thinking about everything and how it all played out, still makes my cry, doing this blog right now made me cry. But I think it’s made me stronger. From time to time I still have dreams about it and whenever YORKER and I are together, she clams me down, or she’ll come get me and we’ll hangout to get my mind off of it, but I think going through that will not only help me in the future with my job but it’ll make me a better person and parent.

Bestiies Til The End!!

BLOG DAY #7

Pooh
Tall Fluffy
MexiNigga (Gossip Girl)
Mr. Banana (Gossip Girl)

These are my best friends. The people I call on when im at my lowest lows and my highest highs. They might not always tell me what I want to hear, but they always tell me the truth. Through blood, sweat and tears I know at the end of it, I’ll have then to count on. I’ll explain how I met each of them and explain just how we became best friends. And how we mad it through until today, I’ll try not to leave out any juicy details.

Pooh (4-years) - Ahh this friendship has had more than its ups and downs. We met kind of weirdly actually, but I thought it was a great start. So Pooh class was always down the hall and around the corner from mines, and I would always see her in the morning walking her girlfriend to class and then running to get to her class on time; so one day I just yelled to her ”your always running in the hallways.” And from those word on we’ve became closer and closer. We stared texting all day and all night, I would wake her up for school, after people started noticing us becoming friends everybody questioned it; but she was my best friend my very first Arizona best friend and I wasn’t going to let her go without a fight. Whenever I need advice she’s always there for me; trying to make me see it both ways even though most times I don’t want to listen to her. She’s always kept it 100 with me and I’m the kind of person who needs that all the time. There have been times where we haven’t seen eye to eye and even go weeks without talking, but some how we always come back to one another.

Tall Fluffy (3 years) – Tall Fluffy and I met through a mutual friend (YORKER). But we’ve grown closer and closer since we had class together. Junior Year of high school we had criminal justice together and we use to always talk and act a fool in that class. Then we had lunch together, and it just all grew from there. Lately we’ve grown even closer going to school together, coming home together and always texting have made us 10000% closer than we we’re in high school. I always go to him for his input on things, and although he’s like a way goofier me he’s always serious when I need him there. There’s things I’m going through that nobody but him know about just for the simple fact he understands me and where I come from with that situation. He and I always walk around school checking out chicks and laughing at ugly ones. It might seem really mean, but its fun (if you haven’t done it yet you should. And he talks to me in Spanish and I’m along the way, slowly but I’m learning Spanish from him; yay me! So I like get a 2-for one deal; a best friend and I Spanish Teacher.

MexiNigga (2.5 years) - I and MexiNigga met because we had a few of the same friends plus we were in the same club after school. Kind of hard to see the same person every single day and just not talk to them; even though I’d been going to school with her the whole time I never noticed her until we were in the same club. We began talking one day and it was like friendship at first words lol we talked and talked. I even remember the say we both started talking about this one girl because she was what I call a “liking hoe” (they like everybody, but nobody like them) it was funny and brought me and MexiNigga closer together. After we noticed we disliked the same person we became glued together every time I wanted to go do something I told MexiNigga to come with me and we talked. People use to ask me how did you guys become so close so fast?” and I told them because MexiNigga rolled up in my friends circle and just showed out. She was always there, always had my side, and made me look at things I never even knew was there. And that’s how we’re so close now, she still holding down her spot as my best friend and I don’t think she’s going to give it up.

Mr. Banana (4 years) – We met through my favorite thing to do, run. We both we’re on the track team and I saw him and I was like yes I have to be his friend. 1. Because he is bi I love bi guys they’re like the best! 2. He was the bomb in track I was like: “yes we must become friends.” And that’s what we did, became friends. We ran tack together end up having a bunch of the same friends and even joining the same after-school club (same as MexiNigga). Doing the club and having track practice together just ultimately made us closer and closer. When I first met Mr. Banana I didn’t like him because he was oh so bomb at hurdles. I just envied his talent, but eventually I got over it and we became friends. I remember one day I don’t know how it all began but I ran away to his house and he stopped everything just to talk to me through what I was going through. I just remember being so sad when I went over there, and him and me talking for hours and then I finally went home. Now that we’re in college we’re not as close as we we’re in high school but he is still my best friend!

Gossip Girls (est. 2009) – Mrs. Cherry (me) Mr. Banana, and MexiNigga (Mrs. Strawberry). So me and my two best friends from above made up a group with just the three of us, we talk about everything together. And everything stays with just us three. I freaking love this group not only is it a chance to spend time with my best friend but it’s a chance to vent and know that everything that I say is in lockdown! Plus being around both of my girls at the same time brings nothing but joy to my life. We’ve grown on each other over this year. I love my girls!!

Now you’ve kind of met my best friends and understand why I’m so whacky yet very sane. If it wasn’t for all for of them I would probably be a stripper who dropped out of school and with child hahah funny funny but no really I wouldn’t be where I am. Throughout high school and even in college I’ve gone through a lot and these have been the people who have gave it to me straight and told me what I needed to hear to get me through everything.

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!

Another Day Another Dollar

BLOG DAY #6


I’ll start with last night-morning I ended up crying myself to sleep. Thoughts about YORKER and our plans and our history just got to me. I laid there crying for about an hour before I was actually sleep. I guess having plans with someone then not having that someone just throws you off. The money I get from school I was supposed to put up some of it to save for when we get out place together, now I don’t know if I should go on with the plan or don’t. It’s like a part of me still has hope, but part of me just wants to give up…on everything.

Woke up kind of in a sucky mood because I had a dream about YORKER and I, and it just broke me down. The dream: I’d come home from work and she had a candle lit dinner with my favorite (salmon) and was standing there waiting to tuck in my chair. I began to talk and she said “nauh just enjoy the meal, we’ll talk later” it was so sweet. Then I had to go to the bathroom, but when I came back it was yet another dream about her. This one was something we do all the time. We sit in bed and she plays video games and I give her good luck kisses and watch her play we laugh and then she wins and I give her a high five. =/ the sad part is I woke up thinking she was right beside me and I woke up happy thinking she was, but again she wasn’t. It sucks knowing that I could actually loose her for good this time. I just don’t want that to be the case with her and me. We’ve been through way too much to just be like “aye this is it.”

After waking up I went to Wal-Mart because the guy charged me twice for something I only bought once and I didn’t noticed until I was at home all in my pj’s. After that my mom came home and started cooking for the day, and then we left again to go to K-Momo to try and find my little sister a homecoming dress. But the one we saw and thought was cute, didn’t go with her shoes that good so we didn’t get it. Then we came back home to check the meat before going to Metro. I’d told my mom where I’d gotten my dress from for the Black and White Ball and suggest that we go there, so we did and actually found nothing there. So we walked around a little before finding the perfect dress (which I picked) it so cute and colorful something she wouldn’t normally wear but I’m going to make her wear it. So we found the dress now we just have to find the right things to go with the dress and colors.

Also tonight I went to the movies, although I’d been putting off going to the movies since forever I just decided to go tonight. I feel that I’m almost 20 years old and movies for a “fun” night shouldn’t be what I do. Maybe with my girlfriend just to get out the house for with a bunch of goofballs because we want to act a fool; and on top of that the girl I went with is freaking BORING!! I don’t know what it is about me but boring people make my skin crawl I hate it with a passion!! Like all my everyday friends are so up beat so goofy and then I have the circle that are just BORING 24-7. I was texting my TALL FLUFFY the whole time and he was more entertaining then she was. But I did enjoy the move the Takers!! It was freaking tight. There wasn’t one moment that I was like “wow or wth” that movie was intense, if you’re reading this and haven’t saw it get your butt up and go see it NOW!! It’s a real good movie even though my baby-daddy T.I died. He kind of deserved it though.

To end my night I have a few more things I’m going to do before actually going to bed. I’m going to take a long hot shower, my back is killing me and I need to shower. I’ll eat only because I’m fat not because I’m actually hungry and then I’ll watch TV for a few hours, finally I’ll go to bed =)

Lust && Love

BLOG DAY #5

My definition of love has definitely changed over the years. I use to think it was just someone to chill with and talk to. You know that definition we have when we’re young and really don’t know about it, when all the only people are saying “you can’t even spell love how you love someone.”

T-Bird and I we’ll you read our kind of history together. But I’m not going to lie part of me did love her and want to be with her long term (if there wasn’t all the cheating and lies) but part of me did love the sex. I know it sounds totally bad!! But it’s so true. I just liked the way she touched me, I mean it was another girl at first it was weird but then it started to feel good. She touched me so tenderly and was always gentle with me. So u loved her but the sex was a big factor in it also.

After T-Bird I noticed that sex won’t talk to you at night, sex can’t hold you when you’re cold at night. And when your going through something sex won’t talk you through it or at least be there for you. So not only did we break up after constant cheating but I realized that my “love definition” needed to change; along with my relationship expectations.

When I found my second girlfriend B-STAR it wasn’t like I was even in a relationship. We went to the same school and I felt that we weren’t even together. We’d see each other but keep walking or just text each other. We talked all the time, just not at school. Then my definition changed it wasn’t so much about the talking to someone it was about spending time with them, them wanting to take time to be with you.

It wasn’t until my junior year I came up with a good definition of my own. While I was dating YORKER, was when a super long yet hits every point definition came along. My definition of love is: finding someone who you can not only talk to all day, but spend time with; having no awkward moments without meaning; being able to sleep next to that person then waking up next to them feeling just as good as you did before you went to sleep. Being able to fight know that its just one more mountain you’ll climb over together.

That’s my definition of love, there’s been times I found it with YORKER but we just cant seem to get past the fighting and coming back to each other part. We fight and sometimes we make it but sometimes things just get to hard and she ends up leaving. We’ve been on and off since 10th grade and we’ve done it all together. The thing is…will she come back and we finish our story this time…or will it keep going round and round.

Rush Job #1

BLOG DAY #3/4

As you noticed i skipped day 3 of my blog challenge (my parents). plain and simple i just dont wanna talk about them, but im short view i have a wonderful mother, a handsome passed on father and a step-dad who treats me like shit unless my mom is standing there. thats the shortness to the story of my parents.

So ill go right into my day 4 of blogging. today i didnt eat much because my period started and i never eat on my period. i had to force myself to eat so i can take some pills but thats about it other than that its been junk food all day. hopefully my cramps go away in a few hours so i can in fact eat dinner which is: fried chicken, flavored rice and veggies, i swear my mom makes the best things when i cant eat.

Also you can tell i dont have anything caped, or any ' its because i apparently cant find my Microsoft word on my computer and im way too lazy to sit here and correct everything so until i get my word or at least find it youll have to just excuse my writing to say the least =D but hopefully i can start using it soon because this is driving me crazy already and this is just my first day without it. (ocd major)

T-Bird & I

BLOG DAY #2

My first love was a girl we’ll call T-Bird. When we first met nobody knew that I was gay or even for that fact that I liked girls at all. Before that I had boyfriends and even went on dates with guys before. We started dating in the 6th grade and lasted until the 7th. Within the first 6 months I think I was just like yes this is it, this is what I wanted to feel so many years ago. But while dating her I had a lot of person things going on in my life that I’m still dealing with, that caused me fall or her; but then kinda pull back from her. With my own person things going on and the fact that my mother didn’t agree with the choice I’d made overall made it extremely hard for us to be together.

T-Bird and I were the shit haha, in middle school we had gay people but nobody ever talked about it. We had an idea of who was but just never said anything. T-Bird and I was the first open lesbian couple that I actually noticed in school. We did almost everything together. I still remember I use to get a bathroom pass and met her in a hallway just because I wanted a kiss or just to tell her hi because I didn’t see her before the bell rang. Most of my 6th grade year was about her and I, in my world and I thought that’s how a relationship should be. The things that I did in that relationship rather they were good or bad I took from there and still do; because in my eyes that was a “good” relationship. I didn’t actually know that the older you get the more people expect of you in a relationship.

After pulling away from her because of my own person things I saw a change in her also. And it became less of a relationship and more of a guessing game on my side. I figured she was a girl so she can tell some things no right with me, and even her being a girl I didn’t feel that comfort I needed to be to express what was going on in my life that had made me distant. When dating T-Bird I was so innocent and knew so little about “game” and how to do anything. I was clueless on pretty much everything. And I don’t know maybe she couldn’t teach me how to be in a relationship with a girl, but I never knew what I was doing with her. Feeling the distance between us growing I started to question everything from that moment on. I figured since I was being good and faithful that she was doing the same thing…but she wasn’t; nowhere near the same thing. I recall her cheating 6 times and me feeling like crap every time, feeling like its something that I clearly couldn’t do so she got it form somewhere else. I fed into the “I’m sorry” lies the “I won’t do it again” lie every single time and I take full blame for that. After the first time I should’ve been like “aye fuck you, clearly you don’t wanna make this work” but I figure (again) that if you want something and you fight for it then that person is going to want to fight just as hard. I was wrong and there’s only so much you can take before you’re just like “fuck you!!” and that’s what it was we parted and never looked back.

Now we talk and facebook every once in a while but I feel like her cheating, lying and just plain deceitfulness kinda laid the map out for my other relationships. But I know it’s just as much her fault as it is my own. T-Bird will always be my first and I still love her (as a friend)

All About Me

BLOG DAY #1

My name is LaDawn, my friends and people who know me well call me Dawniie or they make up a name for me. I’m almost 20 years old and I still live with my mom. I’m currently in community college and the ride has been a good one so far. I still have about 6-8 more years of schooling to become a Dr. in Psychology. I’ve lived in Arizona for about 4 years now. I was born and raised in Long Beach California. I like Arizona but I’m a Cali baby at heart, I go back and forth between the two states all the time about4 or 5 times a year sometimes just to shop other times just for business. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. My older sister and I don’t like each other and most likely never will. My little sister is kinda my heart although she gets me mad sometimes. My brother and I are close but it just became that way with time.

My favorite sport to partake in is track. I love love love running, I’ve been running for almost 10 years now. I’ve won a lot and I’ve lost a lot but I still love it. My favorite race has to be the 400 meter dash. Even though it’s long I like that I can try and catch someone and keep someone from catching me. My least favorite has to be the 200 meter dash. I don’t think I have a good reason not to like it but I just don’t. I run all the sprints in high school; 100 200, 400, 4x1 and 4x4 even the 4x2). I like to watch basketball all the time, I don’t have a favorite team but I like to watch it and yell at the TV and I love the rush when the time is almost out and they have to rush to make a point before the other team.

Music, I love all kinds of music from rock to R&B I mean if it’s a good message then I’ll listen to it. I think white people are just as capable of making music as a black guy. On my Ipod I have everybody from TLC to Paramore. I really don’t have a favorite band or group I just know what and who I like on my Ipod. I love to dance to different kinds of music. I jerk and dougie all the time. I’ve been dancing since I was 3. I remember getting on a car and dancing for money when I was 3 years old. And every since then I’ve been dancing every time I hear music.

My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. I love all the food!! I’m an only 5’11” and 123lbs but I love to eat everything in sight all the time. I feel like I I’m ever full, I can eat right now and about 20 minutes later I’ll be hungry again for something else. I’ve weighted the same for about 4 years and I eat like I haven’t eaten for days at a time. My favorite “everyday” food would have to be Mac n Cheese. That’s something I could eat all the time, like yesterday I ate two boxes all by myself. When it comes to Thanksgiving dinner this is what my plate look like every time: Mac n Cheese, Yams, Baked Beans, Ham, Dressing, and Gravy. On an average that what I always have during Thanksgiving sometimes I get more just depends in what’s there.

Overall I’m a pretty cool person to get along with, I wont lie I can be a bitch an even given moment if I feel the need to be one. I have a bad ass temper and a full time smart mouth I don’t hold back to say anything to anybody and that’s just my personality. I’ve been that way since I can remember and I don’t think that’ll change... but at the same time I’m very sweet I can be the sweetest person. Anybody who knows me know that I’ll drop everything to make sure someone I care about is okay or has support from me whenever they need it.