BLOGGER TEMPLATES AND TWITTER BACKGROUNDS »

Friday, November 05, 2010

untitle

Too many things are going on in my life right now. I’m freaking out everyday about something different than the day before; seems like everything is just piling up on top of one another and its getting to me. I need to find a way to a mountain and just chill and let everything out, the tears, the thoughts, the fears, and the unknown, just everything that’s been eating at me lately. Although I have people I can talk to about this kind of stuff it’s just the emotion of everything that I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to cry I don’t want to feel sad I just don’t want to feel anything right now.


I find myself wanting to cry more nowadays. There’s a mixed reasons on why and I’m not going to go into them, but there’s about 4-6 different things eating at me and it gets me watery eyed but I refuse to cry! I don’t want to cry anymore, I don’t want to feel sad. I just want to let everything be, but my heart is still tender in some areas. There’s about 2 people I find myself getting close too and it’s getting to the point where I have to stop getting close because its just a matter of time before they hurt me or they just all together leave out of my life. sometimes I’m wrong in this situation and the people I get close to aren’t planning on leaving but I push them away anyways, but this is different I’m getting to attached to people and its time I leave before I get too involved or hurt. I’m not sure if this will ever change but pushing people away is just over time something I’ve became good at. Maybe once I find someone who I can tell my stories too and they wont freak out will be the day I let someone close to me. But until then nobody is getting to close because I always end up hurting and not them.


My best friend who has actually been my best friend since I first went to my high school said something to me that made me think about things and what my last entry said. Last time I was explaining how I always got mad at something and how my fuse was getting shorter and my temper was getting worse. Remember? Well my best friend made a point: she said that I get mad at everything because I don’t want to show my true feelings. Which totally made me think, everything that I’m going through right now is giving me every emotion I don’t want to feel everything except anger and anger for me is easier to express than sadness or fear. So everything just makes me made because I don’t want to show people I’m mad or sad. Even though most people I get mad don’t know me and probably just think that’s how I am but for the people who do know me they’re just like confused I think. But for the 1,000 time I don’t want to feel emotional but I need to let it out soon before I do real harm.


Today I had a conversation about “time” and how I felt about it; I think besides “death” I think time is the only other word I’m scared of. I also hate when people say “in due time you’ll know” it’s like the fear of time is what I have. Not sure if that’s a real condition but I’m feeling it. Tag along with time comes all the unanswered questions in my life. Will I make it? Will I have the job I want? Will my dreams come true? And even if I don’t think that far ahead there’s still a long of questions that are unanswered pertaining to my life. Times like this I wish I could see into the future so I could just know what’s going to happen and I won’t have to stress about them anymore. Who I’ll be with so I don’t have to look, who I won’t be friends with anymore so I could stop wasting the time I do have. Just time as a general thing is a scary concept.


There’s more in my head, but for now I’m going to call it a closed one.


[[Oh one last thing I said I’d update you on Mr. Green Eyez well I guess we’re just going to remain the way we was before I started opening my mouth. And at this point I actually shocking have no desire to fight with him on it, that’s the way it’s going to be then that’s that. Can’t say I didn’t say anything. [Note I didn’t say I tried my best that would be a black face lie.] Like I told someone earlier maybe from now on when something tells me to tell someone something I’ll just wait til they say something first, or show it in some way. Although he did show it maybe I just understood wrong or something.]]


TERRITORAL

0 comments: