Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Completely Different

It’s never good to compare one relationship to another relationship, everyone knows that, well everyone also knows I don’t follow rules, so I do it anyways. The difference is I take my mistakes from the ‘mine and Yorker’ relationship and fix them in this one before they become real problems. That way I don’t have that much to worry about in with this one, but this one is completely different from being with Yorker. Like everything about it is just different, in a good way though. The energy is different, I never feel like, ’agh another day’. I know that sounds bad but, sometimes that’s just how I felt with Yorker. We’ll give my new girlfriend the nickname of: Babayface, she has the cutest Babayface; please don’t tell her I said that [lol] but when Babayface be like, ‘let’s hang out’. My first thoughts are like ‘HECKS YES!’ Anytime I get to see her is just different I get butterflies and all happy kinda like that middle school love we all had, where you just get all bubbly inside and out, yeah I get that feeling all the time with her. This relationship just seems healthier, which I just learned that there’s a thing as a relationship being healthy or not. Never knew that until I watch Jersey Shore and I noticed how Sammie and Ronnie are, how I and Yorker was a lot of the time, which is completely bad and stressful. There’s a few things that I would change if I could but since I’m looking forward with Babayface, then there’s only one thing I need to work on; the fact that I can’t tell her how I feel about certain things at the time they happen. Like when she does something, I don’t tell her right then and there I have a fit and then she’s so caring she comes right after me and then we talk about it. I know why I do it, and I just need to work on that before this relationship takes a wrong turn because I can’t talk about stuff. But besides that, I’m very happy with my choices, everyone knows how I was about Yorker; and Babayface just makes me forget all about that. She’s caring, protective, and I think the best part is that we can lie down and talk about almost anything. I couldn’t do that before, and with her everything comes so naturally, sometimes its scary just for the simple fact I think that we’re moving too fast but when its this natural there’s no ‘too fast’. <333' TD <333'

Friday, April 08, 2011

Understand Me

What if you saw my arm one day? And all those bloody trails Will you be able to understand why? I cut when all else fails

Would you tell me to stop the cutting? Because what I do is wron Will you try to convince me again? That I’m really very strong

Will you tell me otherwise? When I say “you don’t understand” Answer this question Have you sat with a knife in your hand?

Have you even contemplated? Or thought about suicide Do you have any fucked up emotions? That you always try to hide

Have you ever lost a best friend? Because of the blade of a knife Are you stuck in deep depression? Always trying to end your life

Do you have the scars I have That decorates your wrist? And when you try to smile Do you smile with a twist?

How about all that precious blood That’s keeping you alive Do you shed it every night? Making it difficult to survive

Have you ever stayed up late? While endless tears you cried Have you felt that horrible feeling? Like part of you just died

Have you ever taken drugs? So the time will just pass by Have you found yourself to think? How perfect it’ll be to die

Have you attempted suicide so much? That you’ve already lost count Will even the tears you’ve ever cried? Add up to that amount

If you try to help me out Don’t assume you know how I feel The truth is you can’t mend my heart And you can’t make my cuts heal

So just answer all these questions Before you give me any advice Just think it over clearly Think it over twice

Friday, January 28, 2011

Love Me???

"Let Me Go"
3 Doors Down

One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just Let me go...
Let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I knowww..
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know Who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know who I am
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know me

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Epic Failure

It seems like everyone around me is doing better than me. I don’t understand how I got so lost, I kind of figured after college everything else would just fall into place it never really occurred to me that I had to actually do other things along the way. I just don’t think I’m ready for this whole “adult life” to start. I got my long-term goals, short-term just isn’t me thing but I guess I better start making it that way. Agh I don’t know what to do I have until summer to figure something out and that to me is not that far away. Although it’s only January and summer is in May I just can’t do it.
I feel that if I go out on my own I’ll fail. Like if I try to live on my own (well without my mom) I wont do good, I’ll end up broke, homeless, and starving, and then I’ll have to come back home to my mom. And I don’t want to fail. I mean my mom has done everything for me. Cook, wash my clothes, drive me places. There’s nothing I really have to do. What if I get out there and I just fail at it all? Oh dear my head is starting to hurt with all this. I don’t see how people do this on their own.
This is all coming so soon! All my friends are talking about this state or that state and I realize…what state am I going to be in when all my friends leave this state? Oh sweet words of holiness! I don’t want to do this! Can I just go back to being 16 and then go from there and hopefully lead to something good after that? Eh why ohh why is this so hard. And yes I’m complaining; and yes I’m for real; and no I’m not stopping until everything is figured out.
I guess I’ll have to get this “after college” thing soon. Time is what I need and for once I don’t really have it. I need to get this situation under control before I have a something that people get when they stress too much, and I don’t think that’s too far away from where I am. Life would be super easier if shit I don’t know! I could just live with my mom forever, although I don’t think that’s on her to do list, we can make it work (highly doubtful)
I have a personal invitation to stay with someone but…shoot I don’t have a reason not to want to go. I mean I’d have it made out there with her. I get all the benefits of living with someone. The only thing is I’d have to learn how to cook more things than I already know how. And for my personally my list is pretty long. (Proud of myself, high key.) I wouldn’t mind living with her, she’s really funny and will always be there to make me smile. I don’t think there’s really a bad side to this. I mean I get kind of everything I want and more.

Ugh my life my sweet mfn life!! ADULT LIFE SUCKS!!


Tuesday, January 04, 2011


Although I’m al little late on that sorry about that but I still thought it was nice to say it. Yes! I’m back to blogging my life out! I’m actually excited for this blog year. Not so much the real year but excited to be blogging again. There’s not way I could start off without a proper recap of everything that’s been going on since my last entry. So I’ll just jump right into that.


I was talking about a Mr. Green Eyez a lot well he’s out. Not completely out but definitely in the romantic way. We’re just friends and I plan on leaving it that way. And I’m fine with that there’s nothing id change and I don’t really regret what happened. Sometimes you got to go through thing just to be sure they not going anywhere more than where you’re already at. If that makes any sense at all; so that’s where I and Green Eyez are. As far as me and Yorker that as of now is a wrap and I don’t think its going to change from that, and again I’m fine with that not going to go out my way to change anything. If its meant to be then it will become otherwise I’m don’t trying to change people minds, emotions, and forcing things out of them.


I’m excited to start school in the spring. I’m only taking 3 classes because of everything going on {family} so I’m fine with 3 classes for this semester; I’ll be taking a poetry class, intro to psychology and women and religion class. There’s nothing I’m not looking forward to! I’m excited for it all. Okaaaay so there’s this girl at GCC who is so into me and has talked to me all break calling me babe and sweetie and everything; even mentioned that she wanted to have sex with. (Note: not me having sex with her, her sexing me.) and they weirdest thing is I kind of thought she was into me before but damn not like that, but apparently I just have that affect on people. I really don’t see this going anywhere, I’m on a total different level then she is on and I don’t know how else to say it. There’s someone newly-old (in case you don’t get it: someone who is old and been here but new a different part of my life) in my life, and everything for us changed on New Years and I’ve been smiles ever since, but then it set in that...I don’t have a chance. Although she says otherwise I feel in my gut something else but in my heart its love. Yes! I just say the “L” word; I love her, kind of always have, but it was blocked a lot but someone else. And now that I have the time to think about it…its all clear to me now; I love her but I’m scared and it’s hard to explain on my side. She’s made her side very clear to me and that scares me too. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I don’t want to say something will happen and then it doesn’t. So I’m just going to keep my mouth shut and hope for the best but expect the worse. Because getting hurt isn’t on my 2011 to do list and I don’t plan on having it on there.


As of right now I’m over family things. They more tiring then running at 4x4 and I don’t plan on letting anything else regarding family stress me out anymore. My “sister” (I use that term very loose with her) is just retarded when it comes to common sense and morals. And I think that’s another thing that separates us from each other. She has 3 kids; my mom is taking care of 1, the other one is with her and she barely can take care of her and then she has one on the way. At some point it’s just like uh hello wake up obviously you don’t need anymore kids! But you can’t tell someone something when they think they know everything. It’s like talking to a brick wall and expecting it to listen to you. (Not going to work) My brother is out of jail and hopefully thing become “normal”, he’s about to have his first kid and name him after him of course. And I’m way more excited for his baby way more than my “sister.” As far as my mother she’s still trying to move us to California and I don’t want to go back! I just feel like I have a great support system out here: Nolan, Jen, Lipma, Tomas, and the list goes on its like all my friends out here are doing good, in school and on the right path. I can’t say that for all my friends in California and although I’m not easy, I don’t want to fall into the wrong things. Agh I would really rather just stay here and go to college and open my building and go from there…but me and Chris have tried everything and they not having it. Not only are we talking about education factors here but damn people getting killed 24-7 out there, just walking down the street and getting shot? Uh definitely not cool and I have a lot to live for! I’m only 20.


Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Well I said it was just a matter of time before I had a complete melt down, and it happened.

About two weeks ago I had a river of emotions waiting to be let out but my wall blocking it. I was sad about a lot. But never showed or talked about it to anyone. I was hurting about other stuff. Defeated in other things; just an overwhelming feeling of everything. Although I had my close friends always there to talk to I just felt once the wall broke and the emotions poured out there wasn't going to be any stopping it. So to avoid all that I just became a mirror and started reflecting everything; shocking nobody ever noticed anything wrong with me. I've mastered the art of wearing a mask and now reflections are coming in handy too. I think the saddest part I think would be having only a couple of people to go to when something is wrong, because only a couple of people know who I really am to begin with. I can't walk up my cool friend Mrs. Granny Panties and be like "aye I burned last night" ya know she'll probably be like wtf!
But back to my story so I was emotionally backed up I guess that's a way to say it. And I don't remember how or even what I was doing at that time but I'd gotten so sad I started crying. I don't mean tear here, tear there. I mean booooo freeeeaking whoooo my bed covered in tissue from all my tears. I had an emotional breakdown literally. Everything that I'd be holding in all came out. Now let me pause, because you’re probably thinking "okay you cried you should've been okay afterwards." Now if you look at my previous post I clearly state how I hate feeling my own emotions. So after crying I basically felt bad, little, horrible so I did what I know I turned. Now usually I burn around the same area this time I felt risky so I burned at the very top of my wrist. I had a movie playing, so no one would here the lighter clicking. Burned a candle so you couldn't smell the lighter. And then I started burn my wrist. This is where it becomes a blur I sat there and I'd written DONE on my wrist to I could burn over it. Somewhere in between the O & N I pass out. I don't know why, and I don't know how. But when I wake back up, I have texts I have missed calls and I'm just like what happened!! Green Eyez and I were texting and I'd had a message from him so I told him I'd fallen asleep. Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out what happened!! So I everything aside mentally and I go to sleep. At this point I'm like trying to find long sleeve shirts to cover my wrist. So I survive the weekend now I have to face Green Eyez, hide my wrist, try to maintain calm, and just be me-ish. Got through the week. The most painful part was 1.) Hiding thing from Green Eyez & 2.) Hugging people, I hate fake hugs and using my arm/wrist in a hug hurt so bad! But I got through it.

I think a few days went by before I told my Pooh. The one person who I could tell, who wouldn't pass judgment on me. That one person who's been through everything with me. I told her and even through a text I could tell she was pretty pissed. I'd tried to protect burning as much as I could with her, but to her my life is way more important than that. We had a heart to heart and I felt like I use to feel with her. I'd told her I would stop and that was the conversation. When it comes to my emotions I think outta all my close friends; she knows how to deal with them best. She might not always understand them but she knows how to deal best with them. I'll show you in like 2.4.

Friday, November 13th I finally told Green Eyez mind you he's like totally 5x's anti burning for me. So I went through the whole night explained why I'd lied and it would become clear why I hadn't told him. But just like I broke it down for y'all I did that for him. Pooh didn't need all that, some reason I can just tell her how it is; with Green Eyez I always have to leeeead up to what I wanna say. So being anti on this whole thing he got mad. We barely talked the rest of Friday and most of today (Saturday) was gone before we talked again. Now here where Pooh and Green Eyez and probably 89% of others differ; Pooh was mad but didn't show it too much. She understands pushing me away (getting mad, cussing, yelling, not talking, not trying to understand, ect.) is only pushing me into burning more. Now Green Eyez/others wouldn't see it that way. They're just like you done wrong and I don't wanna talk to you. Which for me makes me just wanna burn more. But eventually he and I started talking again.

Now the key to my not burning is to stay busy as I can. Besides school I’m having a NOH8 photo shoot at my house with all my friends and myself in it. Not only is it a good cause but it’s something that’s keeping me busy. NOH8 for those of you who don’t know is a gay-straight alliance/awareness and it’s really cool and so up to date on everything gay and how straight people can help and everything so I’m totally 100% into it. While I was on the website I noticed that it was only celebrities so I was like no I want one with all my friends and we’re going to do our own. I didn’t think anyone would want to do it but turns out everyone wants to do it and only one person said no and that’s because she’s stupid and has no life! but everyone is coming that day or coming another day soon so then I’ll take everyone pictures and make one big collection of them all and it’ll be great. So I’ve been planning that out for about a week. The other thing I’m planning I can’t really talk about because it’s totally x-rated. Even though I’m planning all of this I still don’t think it’s enough to keep me from my old friends (lighter & needle) for too long but I told my Pooh I wouldn’t so I’m going to try my hardest to do just that.

Outside of the burning the rest of my life is just as complicated. There’s nothing going easily or smooth anymore. And it’s like I’m at the bottom of the barrel so hopefully there’s nothing but sunshine and blue sky’s from here on out. Otherwise shoot I don’t know what’s after that.


Friday, November 05, 2010


Too many things are going on in my life right now. I’m freaking out everyday about something different than the day before; seems like everything is just piling up on top of one another and its getting to me. I need to find a way to a mountain and just chill and let everything out, the tears, the thoughts, the fears, and the unknown, just everything that’s been eating at me lately. Although I have people I can talk to about this kind of stuff it’s just the emotion of everything that I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to cry I don’t want to feel sad I just don’t want to feel anything right now.

I find myself wanting to cry more nowadays. There’s a mixed reasons on why and I’m not going to go into them, but there’s about 4-6 different things eating at me and it gets me watery eyed but I refuse to cry! I don’t want to cry anymore, I don’t want to feel sad. I just want to let everything be, but my heart is still tender in some areas. There’s about 2 people I find myself getting close too and it’s getting to the point where I have to stop getting close because its just a matter of time before they hurt me or they just all together leave out of my life. sometimes I’m wrong in this situation and the people I get close to aren’t planning on leaving but I push them away anyways, but this is different I’m getting to attached to people and its time I leave before I get too involved or hurt. I’m not sure if this will ever change but pushing people away is just over time something I’ve became good at. Maybe once I find someone who I can tell my stories too and they wont freak out will be the day I let someone close to me. But until then nobody is getting to close because I always end up hurting and not them.

My best friend who has actually been my best friend since I first went to my high school said something to me that made me think about things and what my last entry said. Last time I was explaining how I always got mad at something and how my fuse was getting shorter and my temper was getting worse. Remember? Well my best friend made a point: she said that I get mad at everything because I don’t want to show my true feelings. Which totally made me think, everything that I’m going through right now is giving me every emotion I don’t want to feel everything except anger and anger for me is easier to express than sadness or fear. So everything just makes me made because I don’t want to show people I’m mad or sad. Even though most people I get mad don’t know me and probably just think that’s how I am but for the people who do know me they’re just like confused I think. But for the 1,000 time I don’t want to feel emotional but I need to let it out soon before I do real harm.

Today I had a conversation about “time” and how I felt about it; I think besides “death” I think time is the only other word I’m scared of. I also hate when people say “in due time you’ll know” it’s like the fear of time is what I have. Not sure if that’s a real condition but I’m feeling it. Tag along with time comes all the unanswered questions in my life. Will I make it? Will I have the job I want? Will my dreams come true? And even if I don’t think that far ahead there’s still a long of questions that are unanswered pertaining to my life. Times like this I wish I could see into the future so I could just know what’s going to happen and I won’t have to stress about them anymore. Who I’ll be with so I don’t have to look, who I won’t be friends with anymore so I could stop wasting the time I do have. Just time as a general thing is a scary concept.

There’s more in my head, but for now I’m going to call it a closed one.

[[Oh one last thing I said I’d update you on Mr. Green Eyez well I guess we’re just going to remain the way we was before I started opening my mouth. And at this point I actually shocking have no desire to fight with him on it, that’s the way it’s going to be then that’s that. Can’t say I didn’t say anything. [Note I didn’t say I tried my best that would be a black face lie.] Like I told someone earlier maybe from now on when something tells me to tell someone something I’ll just wait til they say something first, or show it in some way. Although he did show it maybe I just understood wrong or something.]]


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Ticking Bombshell

I was born with a temper. Having tempers just runs in our family, but within the last year I feel my anger getting worse. Before I sound like a 24/7 angry bitch I'll explain what I'm trying to say.

There is a long actually very long list of things that aggravate me. A lot of it to someone else would be like "oh you tripping'" but no a lot rather big or small things bother me. (They're all running through my head now, but there's way too my to sit here and list) There's (outside of family) I think one other person besides myself who knows how selfish I can be with someone. She's (Pooh) had first hand with my selfishness for 4 years so she completely understands, well I'm not sure she understands but she knows how I get. Then There’s others who know I'm selfish but just don't know how "bad" I can get. They see what I show, and figures out some but still have no idea. Basically it’s me and my selfishness times 3 and that’s how it is.

I'm the kind of person who you can make frustrated and on the outside I'd get over it but inside I'm dwelling on what happened which builds up and makes me mad all over. So I can get mad about the same thing hrs after it happened. And I never say anything so it just builds up inside. A lot more it's been happening too; people just been frustrating me left and right and instead of saying "aye you’re pissing me off" I shut down, get quite, just answer short style with “yea, okay, um” as answers and dwell on whatever just pissed me off. Sooner or later I’m just going to crack!! Everyone will leave me alone after that and watch what they say to me because obviously they haven’t figured out who I am. My fuse is already short and now it's burning and it's just a matter of time before I fully go off on someone. It’s happened before and it’ll happen soon I can just feel it in my body its going to happen soon. There’s so many things built up inside there’s no telling who or what I’ll do when the time comes.

I strongly hate people who constantly say things that are like set in stone. Understand? Or do I sound confused too? (It happens a lot!) Example might help: I can say "omg her hair is horrible" she can change that before I see her again, right? But for someone to be like: "you’re a brat" it's like uh duh? I’ve been me for about 20 years now I know how I am. So what!! I'm not calling you to get me stuff and you’re not buying me anything so stop pointing it out! There's a list of 3 people I ask to get me stuff: my mom, my step-dad, and my daddy (who is dead) it's not like I ask everyone for everything I want! If I can't get it from my mom or step-dad then obviously I don't need it and won't ask for it! Even if someone went to the mall bought me my favorite shoes; there's a high as chance I'm going to not even open the box and tell you to return to sender! B-Ball Star bought me some green vans they were the cute ones I said I wanted and I didn’t even take them, it’s like yeah I’m s brat but I don’t take things from people who isn’t my mom or her husband. I hate that because I’m a brat people think I’m going to take whatever I can get my hands on, WTF!! NO!!! That just pisses me off to an all time high! I’m a brat deal wit it! If you get to know me you’ll see yea I want a lot of stuff but I don’t go around getting everything I want nor do I go around asking people for things that I want. I won’t even ask someone for a quarter if I needed it. I just don’t do that and it really makes me mad that people that call themselves “knowing who I am” honestly don’t know shit about me at the end of the day.

Like I said there’s only one person who kind of understands how I am, and how to talk to me and how not to talk to me. Other people are just completely missing the whole point of everything its like if I clearly get mad then clearly you did something wrong and it pissed me off. My Pooh is the only one I say sorry to for my actions too so its like with her there’s times I fuck up and as much little things she do for me I owe it to her to be there all the time. Even if I’m there and a bitch that’s not being there and she doesn’t deserve that at all! So besides her I really don’t say “hey I’m sorry for today” uh no that’s not my job people know what pisses me off and what they shouldn’t do/say.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

New Black Fatal Sex

So much has been going on lately I don’t even know where to begin. I guess the most obvious one, my new blog. Yes I changed everything about my old blog and yes there’s kind of a long reason why I did. Everything about my old layout and title reminded me of someone other than myself, call me crazy but I think a blog should be all about me. Rather it was a good reminder or a horrible one it still wasn’t me. So I changed everything. We’ll start with the title “Mrs. Lady” was old one, “Lady” the name Ariel gave to me. And when I redid my blog last time, her and I were together and now that we’re not no need to keep a nickname. “Territorial Domain” new title fits me perfectly and if I get to that part you’ll understand perfectly why. And if I don’t get to that part, you’ll figure it out pretty fast. I changed the other layout just because…well I don’t have a real reason I just got tired of seeing the same old layout so I changed it to something else. I think this one is pretty kick ass…what do you think? As you noticed, well if you’ve been coming to my website since kingdom come you’ll know that once I start changing everything on my blog I tend to delete all prior entries, and yes I mean ALL but I didn’t do that this time. Not only do the last entries mean something to certain people, but one of my entries could be something that a little girl looks at and finds herself in it. (Highly doubtful) but you never know. So I kept them all, at least for now.
Signed: Mrs. NewNew

As of right now school which is usually my get away area, is becoming a stress area in which I need to avoid but really cant so I go everyday put on a happy face, laugh a dumb jokes and come back home wishing tomorrow will be different which it typically isn’t. Yet I go everyday and do what I have no choice but to do and call it that. Lets not get it wrong there are 2 people I can count on that’ll for the most part make me laugh for real and they’re around a lot so that’s good. But lately I’ve been noticing that everything around me upsets me more. Don’t know if that makes sense so like say it like this, I was born with a short fuse and its been getting shorter nowadays. And yea it’s a bad thing, well for other people not really so much for me. I don’t know where and why this is coming along all of a sudden all I know is that is coming off truly strong; I’m doing my best to still have a good time but its kind of hard when everything makes you mad. To add to school stress, there’s always family stress. I don’t even know where to go with this one. Maybe I’ll start with the fact that I want to fight my sister. I don’t mean haha punch punch I mean take my earrings off put my vans on and really fight her. She’s done so many stupid things lately I cant even begin to tell you, but one of the ones that really pissed me off was this one: so my niece, her daughter, lives with me and when my sister came out here to visit to promised my niece she would send her some money. (No one told her to promise a 5 year old anything but she did, and def was the first time.) So about 3 weeks goes by and my niece asked my mom was my sister going to send her money. So my mom asked me to message my sister on facebook to ask her what’s sup. And here is where everything goes down hill, she started going hard on facebook talking about “if you bitches wasn’t family I wouldn’t fuck with you, and ya’ll ain’t gotta check up on my money I know what I gotta do.” Okay now, if you know me you know I most def went off in that next message and knowing my scary as sister she deleted, and blocked me. 1.) Nobody told her to promise her “daughter” anything. 2.) Nobody is checking on your little ass county check that you get because your ass is too high to find a job. So after that like 94% of me wants to fight her, but her and her county baby daddy is pregnant so I’m just waiting until she drops that baby and then I will step to her so I can drop her!
Signed: Mad Black Woman

I’ve had a fatal attraction to someone lately. And for secretive reasons we wont go into names, but so I wont sound like a broken tape saying someone all day we’ll call this person Green Eyez. After my last break up I was really down in the dumps and was alone. Green Eyez came and started making everything better. And soon enough I was attracted, not sure if it’s for one reason or another but the attraction is there. I call it fatal attraction because we can’t do anything about it or it could be deadly to our friendship. But everything that we need to be there, in order to make something happen is there but for the sake of our friendship we have to fight the temptation more. Green Eyez and I have found ourselves in this situation before and fought it away; this time at least for me the attraction is way stronger than last time and there’s way more temptation and way more fighting we have to do in order to maintain normal. I think I’ve said this before I hate people who you can tell go do this and they do it, it’s not only annoying but it makes my skin crawl! I have a strong erg and attraction to people who don’t give me my way all the time. It makes me have to actually fight for what I want and we all know I’m a selfish spoiled brat who wants everything I can get. But the only frustrating part of it is not getting anything I want, ever! That is like another extreme, as much as I hate pushover’s I hate not getting anything I want just as bad. I like it somewhere in the middle. But back to Green Eyez and I, I have to fight this or I’m going to end up hurt again and I hate emotional pain! Lately I’ve been Mrs. Cuteness and flirting more than my Libra allows but now I have to find a way to back off of it all. I refuse to end up the up one again and going through that alone. So as of the posting of this blog I’m backing off Green Eyez although that’ll be hard because the attraction is so strong I’m willing to push it all away.
Signed: Fatal Lust

There’s this dream that I keep having, sometimes I goes sexual and sometimes I just goes normal. I’m not sure what to make of it but its making me want to go to the mountains. Okay so I’ll tell the sexual dream first because the normal dream is the same thing taken out all the sexual parts. Dream: I text my friend because my family is just stressing me out. I don’t want to be home and I tell her that in the text. So we decided to just drive far away from where we lived and ended up at some mountains. We got a blanket out the trunk and sat on top of her car and started talking about everything. Somehow we started kissing and I know she’s my best friend but damn she can kiss. We made out and you know how making out always leads to something else? Yeah well that happened here, it lead to everything I’ve always wanted to do with her and without any weird parts. The nice part is that there was already music playing in the car and it was sexual music and everything was perfect. Although my best friend who is actually in this dream lives 54 states away from me its just weird how I still dream about her after all these years. I talk to her almost every day and I’ve even told her about the dream. And how we had sex on top of a car in the mountains, I think that’s one of my top 4 sexual dreams of all times. Then again I think 2/4 is with her in them. The only sucky part about this is knowing that she lives forever away and I probably won’t see her, let alone go to the mountains with her. But this dream makes me want to go to the mountain and at least chill because the view (in the nonsexual one) was a great view; a bunch of lights and everything. Just one of those places you want to go to when you’re stressed.
Signed: Mountain & Sex

I think that’s my life in a nutshell; well most of my current one. I’ll keep you posted on the rest of it =)

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Alone In The World

I can't even begin to express how I'm feeling. I've expressed it once before and I still have no answers. The feeling of defeate and giving up has came over me. I feel like just making a fire and blowing everything in it.

I went to my lighter and needle about 2wks ago just to find out, I had not fire in my lighter. I asked Pooh to send me one but she's not down for it. And I haven't been able to burn because I haven't got a lighter. I just need an escape away from everything.

Normally people have friends to talk to about this but there's two problems with that. 1.) Mentally I only have one friend and physically I have no one. I just feel I'm always there for people around me, but its like no one can be there for me. (Besides that one person) So to avoid all that I've been like a mirror to everyone. Most people I hang out with are happy so I just reflect whatever their feeling back to them. No emotionally I'm disconnected but I appear perfectly normal. And its been working to my advantage too.

Generally school gets me away from everything. Unfortunately that's not the case. Let me break it down for you. I'm taking child development, it only makes sence child psychologist taking child development. But for me the class is just more than watchin how children grown. It makes me want a little bby and that thought takes me to YORKER and by now everyone except her knows how I feel. I even canceled a party invite because I knew she would be there.. the other class in taking is philosophy of sexuality and that's just a direct link to YORKER, my whole sex life was wit her. Yea there were other people but most of it was YORKER.

Again I'm just at a fucking loss with this thing I call my life. "/