Love Me???

"Let Me Go"
3 Doors Down

One more kiss could be the best thing
But one more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Let me go

I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
When I know what I'm goin through

In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go
Just Let me go...
Let me go

And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside I know
I knowww..
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows
Who knows

[Chorus]
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know Who I am
So let me go
Just let me go

And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know who I am
And you love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't know me

Epic Failure

It seems like everyone around me is doing better than me. I don’t understand how I got so lost, I kind of figured after college everything else would just fall into place it never really occurred to me that I had to actually do other things along the way. I just don’t think I’m ready for this whole “adult life” to start. I got my long-term goals, short-term just isn’t me thing but I guess I better start making it that way. Agh I don’t know what to do I have until summer to figure something out and that to me is not that far away. Although it’s only January and summer is in May I just can’t do it.
I feel that if I go out on my own I’ll fail. Like if I try to live on my own (well without my mom) I wont do good, I’ll end up broke, homeless, and starving, and then I’ll have to come back home to my mom. And I don’t want to fail. I mean my mom has done everything for me. Cook, wash my clothes, drive me places. There’s nothing I really have to do. What if I get out there and I just fail at it all? Oh dear my head is starting to hurt with all this. I don’t see how people do this on their own.
This is all coming so soon! All my friends are talking about this state or that state and I realize…what state am I going to be in when all my friends leave this state? Oh sweet words of holiness! I don’t want to do this! Can I just go back to being 16 and then go from there and hopefully lead to something good after that? Eh why ohh why is this so hard. And yes I’m complaining; and yes I’m for real; and no I’m not stopping until everything is figured out.
I guess I’ll have to get this “after college” thing soon. Time is what I need and for once I don’t really have it. I need to get this situation under control before I have a something that people get when they stress too much, and I don’t think that’s too far away from where I am. Life would be super easier if shit I don’t know! I could just live with my mom forever, although I don’t think that’s on her to do list, we can make it work (highly doubtful)
I have a personal invitation to stay with someone but…shoot I don’t have a reason not to want to go. I mean I’d have it made out there with her. I get all the benefits of living with someone. The only thing is I’d have to learn how to cook more things than I already know how. And for my personally my list is pretty long. (Proud of myself, high key.) I wouldn’t mind living with her, she’s really funny and will always be there to make me smile. I don’t think there’s really a bad side to this. I mean I get kind of everything I want and more.

Ugh my life my sweet mfn life!! ADULT LIFE SUCKS!!


-TD

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!

Although I’m al little late on that sorry about that but I still thought it was nice to say it. Yes! I’m back to blogging my life out! I’m actually excited for this blog year. Not so much the real year but excited to be blogging again. There’s not way I could start off without a proper recap of everything that’s been going on since my last entry. So I’ll just jump right into that.

LAST TIME:

I was talking about a Mr. Green Eyez a lot well he’s out. Not completely out but definitely in the romantic way. We’re just friends and I plan on leaving it that way. And I’m fine with that there’s nothing id change and I don’t really regret what happened. Sometimes you got to go through thing just to be sure they not going anywhere more than where you’re already at. If that makes any sense at all; so that’s where I and Green Eyez are. As far as me and Yorker that as of now is a wrap and I don’t think its going to change from that, and again I’m fine with that not going to go out my way to change anything. If its meant to be then it will become otherwise I’m don’t trying to change people minds, emotions, and forcing things out of them.

NEW THINGS:

I’m excited to start school in the spring. I’m only taking 3 classes because of everything going on {family} so I’m fine with 3 classes for this semester; I’ll be taking a poetry class, intro to psychology and women and religion class. There’s nothing I’m not looking forward to! I’m excited for it all. Okaaaay so there’s this girl at GCC who is so into me and has talked to me all break calling me babe and sweetie and everything; even mentioned that she wanted to have sex with. (Note: not me having sex with her, her sexing me.) and they weirdest thing is I kind of thought she was into me before but damn not like that, but apparently I just have that affect on people. I really don’t see this going anywhere, I’m on a total different level then she is on and I don’t know how else to say it. There’s someone newly-old (in case you don’t get it: someone who is old and been here but new a different part of my life) in my life, and everything for us changed on New Years and I’ve been smiles ever since, but then it set in that...I don’t have a chance. Although she says otherwise I feel in my gut something else but in my heart its love. Yes! I just say the “L” word; I love her, kind of always have, but it was blocked a lot but someone else. And now that I have the time to think about it…its all clear to me now; I love her but I’m scared and it’s hard to explain on my side. She’s made her side very clear to me and that scares me too. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I don’t want to say something will happen and then it doesn’t. So I’m just going to keep my mouth shut and hope for the best but expect the worse. Because getting hurt isn’t on my 2011 to do list and I don’t plan on having it on there.

FAMILY THINGS:

As of right now I’m over family things. They more tiring then running at 4x4 and I don’t plan on letting anything else regarding family stress me out anymore. My “sister” (I use that term very loose with her) is just retarded when it comes to common sense and morals. And I think that’s another thing that separates us from each other. She has 3 kids; my mom is taking care of 1, the other one is with her and she barely can take care of her and then she has one on the way. At some point it’s just like uh hello wake up obviously you don’t need anymore kids! But you can’t tell someone something when they think they know everything. It’s like talking to a brick wall and expecting it to listen to you. (Not going to work) My brother is out of jail and hopefully thing become “normal”, he’s about to have his first kid and name him after him of course. And I’m way more excited for his baby way more than my “sister.” As far as my mother she’s still trying to move us to California and I don’t want to go back! I just feel like I have a great support system out here: Nolan, Jen, Lipma, Tomas, and the list goes on its like all my friends out here are doing good, in school and on the right path. I can’t say that for all my friends in California and although I’m not easy, I don’t want to fall into the wrong things. Agh I would really rather just stay here and go to college and open my building and go from there…but me and Chris have tried everything and they not having it. Not only are we talking about education factors here but damn people getting killed 24-7 out there, just walking down the street and getting shot? Uh definitely not cool and I have a lot to live for! I’m only 20.

-TD