STOPPED

Well I said it was just a matter of time before I had a complete melt down, and it happened.

About two weeks ago I had a river of emotions waiting to be let out but my wall blocking it. I was sad about a lot. But never showed or talked about it to anyone. I was hurting about other stuff. Defeated in other things; just an overwhelming feeling of everything. Although I had my close friends always there to talk to I just felt once the wall broke and the emotions poured out there wasn't going to be any stopping it. So to avoid all that I just became a mirror and started reflecting everything; shocking nobody ever noticed anything wrong with me. I've mastered the art of wearing a mask and now reflections are coming in handy too. I think the saddest part I think would be having only a couple of people to go to when something is wrong, because only a couple of people know who I really am to begin with. I can't walk up my cool friend Mrs. Granny Panties and be like "aye I burned last night" ya know she'll probably be like wtf!
But back to my story so I was emotionally backed up I guess that's a way to say it. And I don't remember how or even what I was doing at that time but I'd gotten so sad I started crying. I don't mean tear here, tear there. I mean booooo freeeeaking whoooo my bed covered in tissue from all my tears. I had an emotional breakdown literally. Everything that I'd be holding in all came out. Now let me pause, because you’re probably thinking "okay you cried you should've been okay afterwards." Now if you look at my previous post I clearly state how I hate feeling my own emotions. So after crying I basically felt bad, little, horrible so I did what I know I turned. Now usually I burn around the same area this time I felt risky so I burned at the very top of my wrist. I had a movie playing, so no one would here the lighter clicking. Burned a candle so you couldn't smell the lighter. And then I started burn my wrist. This is where it becomes a blur I sat there and I'd written DONE on my wrist to I could burn over it. Somewhere in between the O & N I pass out. I don't know why, and I don't know how. But when I wake back up, I have texts I have missed calls and I'm just like what happened!! Green Eyez and I were texting and I'd had a message from him so I told him I'd fallen asleep. Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out what happened!! So I everything aside mentally and I go to sleep. At this point I'm like trying to find long sleeve shirts to cover my wrist. So I survive the weekend now I have to face Green Eyez, hide my wrist, try to maintain calm, and just be me-ish. Got through the week. The most painful part was 1.) Hiding thing from Green Eyez & 2.) Hugging people, I hate fake hugs and using my arm/wrist in a hug hurt so bad! But I got through it.

I think a few days went by before I told my Pooh. The one person who I could tell, who wouldn't pass judgment on me. That one person who's been through everything with me. I told her and even through a text I could tell she was pretty pissed. I'd tried to protect burning as much as I could with her, but to her my life is way more important than that. We had a heart to heart and I felt like I use to feel with her. I'd told her I would stop and that was the conversation. When it comes to my emotions I think outta all my close friends; she knows how to deal with them best. She might not always understand them but she knows how to deal best with them. I'll show you in like 2.4.

Friday, November 13th I finally told Green Eyez mind you he's like totally 5x's anti burning for me. So I went through the whole night explained why I'd lied and it would become clear why I hadn't told him. But just like I broke it down for y'all I did that for him. Pooh didn't need all that, some reason I can just tell her how it is; with Green Eyez I always have to leeeead up to what I wanna say. So being anti on this whole thing he got mad. We barely talked the rest of Friday and most of today (Saturday) was gone before we talked again. Now here where Pooh and Green Eyez and probably 89% of others differ; Pooh was mad but didn't show it too much. She understands pushing me away (getting mad, cussing, yelling, not talking, not trying to understand, ect.) is only pushing me into burning more. Now Green Eyez/others wouldn't see it that way. They're just like you done wrong and I don't wanna talk to you. Which for me makes me just wanna burn more. But eventually he and I started talking again.

Now the key to my not burning is to stay busy as I can. Besides school I’m having a NOH8 photo shoot at my house with all my friends and myself in it. Not only is it a good cause but it’s something that’s keeping me busy. NOH8 for those of you who don’t know is a gay-straight alliance/awareness and it’s really cool and so up to date on everything gay and how straight people can help and everything so I’m totally 100% into it. While I was on the website I noticed that it was only celebrities so I was like no I want one with all my friends and we’re going to do our own. I didn’t think anyone would want to do it but turns out everyone wants to do it and only one person said no and that’s because she’s stupid and has no life! but everyone is coming that day or coming another day soon so then I’ll take everyone pictures and make one big collection of them all and it’ll be great. So I’ve been planning that out for about a week. The other thing I’m planning I can’t really talk about because it’s totally x-rated. Even though I’m planning all of this I still don’t think it’s enough to keep me from my old friends (lighter & needle) for too long but I told my Pooh I wouldn’t so I’m going to try my hardest to do just that.

Outside of the burning the rest of my life is just as complicated. There’s nothing going easily or smooth anymore. And it’s like I’m at the bottom of the barrel so hopefully there’s nothing but sunshine and blue sky’s from here on out. Otherwise shoot I don’t know what’s after that.

TERRITORIAL

untitle

Too many things are going on in my life right now. I’m freaking out everyday about something different than the day before; seems like everything is just piling up on top of one another and its getting to me. I need to find a way to a mountain and just chill and let everything out, the tears, the thoughts, the fears, and the unknown, just everything that’s been eating at me lately. Although I have people I can talk to about this kind of stuff it’s just the emotion of everything that I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to cry I don’t want to feel sad I just don’t want to feel anything right now.


I find myself wanting to cry more nowadays. There’s a mixed reasons on why and I’m not going to go into them, but there’s about 4-6 different things eating at me and it gets me watery eyed but I refuse to cry! I don’t want to cry anymore, I don’t want to feel sad. I just want to let everything be, but my heart is still tender in some areas. There’s about 2 people I find myself getting close too and it’s getting to the point where I have to stop getting close because its just a matter of time before they hurt me or they just all together leave out of my life. sometimes I’m wrong in this situation and the people I get close to aren’t planning on leaving but I push them away anyways, but this is different I’m getting to attached to people and its time I leave before I get too involved or hurt. I’m not sure if this will ever change but pushing people away is just over time something I’ve became good at. Maybe once I find someone who I can tell my stories too and they wont freak out will be the day I let someone close to me. But until then nobody is getting to close because I always end up hurting and not them.


My best friend who has actually been my best friend since I first went to my high school said something to me that made me think about things and what my last entry said. Last time I was explaining how I always got mad at something and how my fuse was getting shorter and my temper was getting worse. Remember? Well my best friend made a point: she said that I get mad at everything because I don’t want to show my true feelings. Which totally made me think, everything that I’m going through right now is giving me every emotion I don’t want to feel everything except anger and anger for me is easier to express than sadness or fear. So everything just makes me made because I don’t want to show people I’m mad or sad. Even though most people I get mad don’t know me and probably just think that’s how I am but for the people who do know me they’re just like confused I think. But for the 1,000 time I don’t want to feel emotional but I need to let it out soon before I do real harm.


Today I had a conversation about “time” and how I felt about it; I think besides “death” I think time is the only other word I’m scared of. I also hate when people say “in due time you’ll know” it’s like the fear of time is what I have. Not sure if that’s a real condition but I’m feeling it. Tag along with time comes all the unanswered questions in my life. Will I make it? Will I have the job I want? Will my dreams come true? And even if I don’t think that far ahead there’s still a long of questions that are unanswered pertaining to my life. Times like this I wish I could see into the future so I could just know what’s going to happen and I won’t have to stress about them anymore. Who I’ll be with so I don’t have to look, who I won’t be friends with anymore so I could stop wasting the time I do have. Just time as a general thing is a scary concept.


There’s more in my head, but for now I’m going to call it a closed one.


[[Oh one last thing I said I’d update you on Mr. Green Eyez well I guess we’re just going to remain the way we was before I started opening my mouth. And at this point I actually shocking have no desire to fight with him on it, that’s the way it’s going to be then that’s that. Can’t say I didn’t say anything. [Note I didn’t say I tried my best that would be a black face lie.] Like I told someone earlier maybe from now on when something tells me to tell someone something I’ll just wait til they say something first, or show it in some way. Although he did show it maybe I just understood wrong or something.]]


TERRITORAL