Herstory In the Makin

BLOG DAY #19

Something I regret isn’t that hard to think of sadly, there have been a lot of regretful times in my whole 19 years on this Earth. But 3 of them stick out to me the most well mainly two but so yeah I’m just going to talk about two of them.

I regret not saying goodbye to my dad. When I was 15 my dad died. I’d known him 5 years before that and we got along great. 2 weeks for summer break was spent as his house every summer and a week for every holiday break I got more than a week off. When we first met I was already 10 and he wasn’t that sick, although it was hard for him to walk around a lot without getting tired quickly. When I was about 13 I noticed how sick he was getting he lived in Landcaster, CA and he couldn’t even walk around his apt without getting tired. Maybe when I was also 13 I noticed he started using a breathing machine, so he wouldn’t feel that tired after walking around the house. It’s kind of like the ones they have at the hospitals but you use it at home whenever you need it. It seemed like the more I went to visit the more he was on the machine. There were a lot of times I went in my room at his house and cried because here was this great guy who was my dad and here he was dying before I could really get to know him.
When I was 14 I remember me and my mom rushing out to Landcaster (about an hour drive from our house) to see my dad who was now in the hospital bed; I don’t remember anything he was saying or the nurse was saying to my mom. All I remember was the walls, the smell, and the hallways, how it looks like so many people had died and how the hallways never ended. All the walls were the same; all the rooms were the same. Everything was all the same and it freaked me out. Since then I’ve developed a phobia of hospitals; my hands get sweaty, my knees start to shake, my head gets light, and my heart goes faster than after I run a 400 meter dash. And then my anxiety kicks in and then I have to go outside to get air before my anxiety make it impossible for me to breath at all. After the whole hospital thing he was able to go back home a few days after they ran some tests on him. And not too long after that he died; I wasn’t ready to say goodbye nor was I ready to attend my first funeral ever. I was only 15 how I could loose my dad at 15 when I just met him 5 years ago!! I met my other brothers and sisters. Altogether my dad had 9 kids (me being the youngest of course.) And according to everyone there I looked just like my daddy, I guess when you’re going to miss someone who pass on you want to hear that people see a little bit of them in you. But hearing that didn’t stop the tears from flowing as soon as the funeral started.

The part I hated the most besides the whole thing; well the two parts I hated was 1. Everyone saying it was a “celebration” in my head all I could think was “what in the hell are we celebrating? My dad is dead, there’s no celebration there.” But I just cried and cried, and my cousin (I think she is.) just held me and let me mess up her pretty shirt. And this is where regret starts to set in because as everyone was walking to go say their goodbyes I just couldn’t find it in me to go do it. I don’t think I could come up with an excuse with that one I just wasn’t ready to say goodbye nor could I even move. And to make things even worse I didn’t even go to his barrel (sp). I only thought that if I go that it would all become too real, and I didn’t want it to be. Everyday for about 2 weeks I called his house number to hear is voice on his voicemail. I just wasn’t ready to let go of him. The only picture I had of him came out of his obituary and I still have it.

I look about 3 months to be able to look at it without crying. But there are times, like around most holidays, and his birthday where I just loose it. I’ll stay in my bed with his obituary and just cry and cry and won’t move unless I need to pee. I didn’t only loose a dad at 15 but I lost a best friend at 15. but everything I do now I do for him; even though he cant be there to see me through it all I know he’s up there watching over me saying that my little girl right there. Before every race I run I give a kiss to the sky to let him know this one is for you, and at graduation I gave him a kiss. He’s watch me do everything and he’ll continue to watch over me. And I’ll always know that my dad is an angle in haven watching over me.


My second regret won’t be as long as the first, or well I don’t think it will be. Since my dad died letting people get close to he hasn’t been on my, to do list at all. Every time I felt someone getting too close I had a way for them to want to leave. I stopped talking to them or I just started a huge fight. After my dad died I just knew I didn’t want to feel that pain of getting close and then having someone ripped away from me, so nobody was close to me, knew too much about me, or did I really care about enough. After about 3 years of blocking to world out of my life I met YORKER. There was something about her that was so intriguing to me and I just had to know more about her. Our history together is not only a long one it’s a rocky one, anyone who knows us knows we’ve broke-up 20000 times and been together 400000 times. I’m the kind of girl that has to have someone strong, not only physically but I guess it would be mentally. I hate people I can push over! I hate pussy as niggas! In lesser terms; push overs are so boring and I hate boring because then I just feel the need to be a bitch all the time and with YORKER that was never the case. All the time we’ve been together I’ve never been bored with her. Even just me and her chilling at her house while I watch her play video games; with anyone else it would be shoot me in my face boring but with her its just fun. She talks to me about how it works and I even give her good luck kisses (which always work.)

If you read yesterday blog you saw how me and YORKER started planning or lives out but it doesn’t say why we broke up. Well here it goes my #2 regret which as been in my and YORKERS relationship for a long time. You’ve read the history on T-Bird and I well that’s where my problem set in. when T-Bird and I were dated she cheated a lot, and I look her back because I thought that’s how people did it when they were dating. WRONG! In 9th grade I dated another T-Bird, thought everything was going great come to find out she was just cheating on me behind my back. Having been cheated on in back to back relationships I just kind of told myself cheating is apart of a relationship; then YORKER came and even before she could start cheating I started pushing her away, I knew just what to do to make it seem like opps I’m sorry and not like I’m pushing you away intentionally. And I did just that, this last time we were together I told myself all games aside no bullshit and no pushing her away no matter how hard things got. So things never got too hard, until my insecurities started coming out on their own and that’s where it went down hill from there. After the break-up, well even before the break up but after the damage we all ready done I tried to go back to my mental game plan with nothing gets in my way; but it was too late. About 2 weeks later I was talking to my Pooh and spilled out everything to her, I told her how it started and how it was ending with me in tears. I told her how my past taught me that everyone is a cheater and how I trusted her just didn’t know how to show her that I did.

How that the whole time ever we’ve been together she’s never given a hint or a sign of cheating me. Told her how I don’t even think she’s ever thought about cheating on me. I felt like crap after wards and even tried to explain to YORKER how I’d fucked up and knew I was wrong. How that I’d thought about it. But all YORKER said was she didn’t know, and I haven’t talked to her since that day. (with YORKER and I there’s probably more regrets but this one hurts the most because we started planning our lives; I just hope she wont walk away from all that now =/) I don’t know what the future holds for us, but I hope it’s the future that we planned together. And if you just happen to be stalking my blog I’m sorry and I fucked up, I know that now and I want you back.