T-Bird & I

BLOG DAY #2

My first love was a girl we’ll call T-Bird. When we first met nobody knew that I was gay or even for that fact that I liked girls at all. Before that I had boyfriends and even went on dates with guys before. We started dating in the 6th grade and lasted until the 7th. Within the first 6 months I think I was just like yes this is it, this is what I wanted to feel so many years ago. But while dating her I had a lot of person things going on in my life that I’m still dealing with, that caused me fall or her; but then kinda pull back from her. With my own person things going on and the fact that my mother didn’t agree with the choice I’d made overall made it extremely hard for us to be together.

T-Bird and I were the shit haha, in middle school we had gay people but nobody ever talked about it. We had an idea of who was but just never said anything. T-Bird and I was the first open lesbian couple that I actually noticed in school. We did almost everything together. I still remember I use to get a bathroom pass and met her in a hallway just because I wanted a kiss or just to tell her hi because I didn’t see her before the bell rang. Most of my 6th grade year was about her and I, in my world and I thought that’s how a relationship should be. The things that I did in that relationship rather they were good or bad I took from there and still do; because in my eyes that was a “good” relationship. I didn’t actually know that the older you get the more people expect of you in a relationship.

After pulling away from her because of my own person things I saw a change in her also. And it became less of a relationship and more of a guessing game on my side. I figured she was a girl so she can tell some things no right with me, and even her being a girl I didn’t feel that comfort I needed to be to express what was going on in my life that had made me distant. When dating T-Bird I was so innocent and knew so little about “game” and how to do anything. I was clueless on pretty much everything. And I don’t know maybe she couldn’t teach me how to be in a relationship with a girl, but I never knew what I was doing with her. Feeling the distance between us growing I started to question everything from that moment on. I figured since I was being good and faithful that she was doing the same thing…but she wasn’t; nowhere near the same thing. I recall her cheating 6 times and me feeling like crap every time, feeling like its something that I clearly couldn’t do so she got it form somewhere else. I fed into the “I’m sorry” lies the “I won’t do it again” lie every single time and I take full blame for that. After the first time I should’ve been like “aye fuck you, clearly you don’t wanna make this work” but I figure (again) that if you want something and you fight for it then that person is going to want to fight just as hard. I was wrong and there’s only so much you can take before you’re just like “fuck you!!” and that’s what it was we parted and never looked back.

Now we talk and facebook every once in a while but I feel like her cheating, lying and just plain deceitfulness kinda laid the map out for my other relationships. But I know it’s just as much her fault as it is my own. T-Bird will always be my first and I still love her (as a friend)