Tearing Me Up

BLOG DAY #20

This month hasn’t been that bad. I’m around more people now and in school which are both helping me with this YORKER thing. I like both of my classes and I’ve already learned a lot although they are both super long I like them. Sex class we have so many jokes in there you just want to go; and as far as child development it’s just super interesting and I’m learning so much.

As far as relationships with people, they’re changing some for the better and some going for the worse. Its kind of like people I wouldn’t expect to be so close to me are closer than ever. Like those are the people I text when I can’t sleep or if I need to cry my eyes out about YORKER. And for the people I called my “close” friends I have no idea where the hell they even are in my life right now. The ones that I use to talk to about everything are no where to be found when I need them and even further away when they’re right there. I just don’t understand and I’m seriously tired of trying to figure it out, whoever is here is here and if they not then whatever. I’m not going to kiss anybody’s ass to be a half-ass friend to me when I can get a full time all the way friend 24/7.

With this month and YORKER; its just been a lot to take in. although this blog helps me get things out I just feel like what it helping if I cant tell her or if I’m not talking to her ya know? It’s kind of for my own personal thing to get it out but getting it out means I think about, thinking about it means questions are asked, questions asked means I cry and crying makes me want her more. But talking about it has opened my eyes about other things. At this point I just wish I could see my future, I want to know if everything I want (YORKER, my building, my own family) will happen or am I waiting around for nothing?

I talked about being “fake” in the sense that I can trick anybody to thinking that I’m happy with just the right smile, the right voice and my always right outfits. Today I was just walking from my class to go to meet a friend and this guy stopped me and said “every time I see you, you’re just so happy and full of life.” My first thoughts was damn your watching me. But then my second thoughts went to dang I must be getting better at this “fake” me. None of my best friends or “close” friends ever think anything is wrong with me; in a way it’s kind of like okay all going to plan, but then again its like would they care if they knew the truth? A question I have the slightest answer to…