I remember it like it was yesterday. It was about 95 degrees and I walked to Signal Hill Park without any of my friends. I was going to see my boyfriend at the time (who we’ll call BLOWED). I didn’t like him or for that matter guys at all, but I was tired of hearing my mom bitch at me for being gay so BLOWED along with other guys were just there to throw her off my gay sent. BLOWED call me and asked me to go over because his dad was tripping on him. So I called my at that time my best friend to ask her was she going to go, she told me she would met me up there. I said okay so I began to walk by myself.
As soon as I got closer I got a feeling someone was watching me so I turned around and there was my first kiss. B-VAN he and I shared my first kiss we was in the first grade and I don’t even know what happened all I remember is us kissing, I think we kissed in class behind a book. (player player) I hadn’t seen him in years so it was nice to see him. He tried to talk his way back into my life but I told him about BLOWED and he responded in the only way I knew he would. He didn’t care about him; he just wanted me to be his again. After a bunch of laughs I started walking to the park to meet BLOWED.
Finally, I got there it took forever because I’d stop to talk to B-Van but I just lied and told him that I had to do something around the house. After that he claimed he had to get something out of house and didn’t want me to sit at the park by myself; and consist that I go with him. So I got up and went with him it was getting dark and crazy people lived by the park at night. When we got in the house he told me I could sit down on the chair. I told him I would just stand up because I didn’t want to get to comfy we shouldn’t have been there that long anyways.
The next part is the worse part of this story. Excuse the pain that you might feel through reading this entry. It had been about 10 minutes and I was getting antsy so I started easing to the door getting ready to leave, as soon as he came from the back room he threw me down on the couch and began to undo my pants. The jeans I had on were tight, I remember him slapping me because I was crossing my legs so my pants wouldn’t come down. I kicked and screamed as loud as I could, but I was already sick with a sore throat so my screams didn’t get that much farther out of the house. I began to just cry and cry hoping that would make up get off of me. Not only was he on top of my touching me in ways that I didn’t say yes to, but he was crushing my body and I started not being able to breathe more and more. I don’t remember how it happened but eventually he got my pants and panties off and I just started kicking and screaming louder and louder. There was one point where I bit him just to make him jump so I could breathe a little but more. Then the unthinkable had happened. I’d been raped without anybody knowing.
He told me that we had to go to the park because our friends were on their way and that they would know something was wrong if we weren’t there to meet them. So I’d went to the bathroom to clean up my face and we went down to the park to meet our friends, It wasn’t that easy trying to not yell out the fact that he’d just rape me to my best friend. So we all hung out at the park for a couple of hours. The whole time we were at the park, he made it seem like we were so” in love”, he held me close, kept kissing me, and always was touching me. When it was time for us to go, he pulled me aside and said “if you tell anybody what happened today I’ll slice your throat and you’ll never talk again.” On the way home with my friends all I remember was them asking me over and over what’s wrong because I was so quite. I felt so nasty, I felt like I had so many germs on me and inside of me. I never told anybody what really happened, and days after the rape happened, he broke up with me. It wasn’t the fact that we broke up that made it bad…but he told everyone that we had sex and it was time for him to move on, now because he “hit that.” So many times I just wanted to say “he’s lying; he laid there and raped me! We never had sex!” but part of me actually believed he would come after me and slice my throat, I’d saw all of his weapons and I’d seen the same things happen to ladies on TV. Although they were booked to play that part; I knew that it could really happen to me.
The night that this event took place (it’s not an event per say but I really don’t want to say rape over and over again.) I just felt so nasty, dirty, like I had germs everywhere inside and outside of my body. I walked in the house, with the smell of his house on my clothes. I’d got my clothes together to take a bath and I remember sitting in the bath tub for forever. So long my mom had to knock on the door to make sure I wasn’t sleep in the tub. I washed myself 18 times I remember because 12 was my lucky number but I felt so dirty I told myself I had to do more. I think it was that day I actually learned how to cry quietly. For months I just pretend nothing happened, that it never happened. So good that nobody ever thought about bringing it up again; so well that I started to believe myself that it was all a dream in my head, and I needed to block it out. So that’s what I did, I blocked it out my head completely; and tried to move on with my life…until the unthinkable happened.
Moving to Arizona I thought would be a way to make up a new me; ya know like in the movies how somebody moves away from the bad stuff and start all over in a new town? Yea I thought I would be able to do just that. As soon as I began this new life my old life stopped my dead in my tracks. BLOWED had found me on Myspace when I saw his face my hands started shaking, my face went blank and a weird feeling just took over my whole body. I didn’t add him as a friend so he wrote me a message; I’ll never forget what it says:
“So my love, I see that you have left me here alone in California without a single memory. Oh yeah that’s right, you gave me your pussy. Don’t think that I’ve forgot about you my love because I still dream about that day. I’ll never forget you kicking and screaming in my ear, it just made me want you more. And I got just what I wanted. Don’t think I’ve forgot our little deal, you tell and I’ll cut your throat bitch!!!
Love always – the best lover ever.”
Being 16 and reading that just brought back all the pain, emotions, fear, everything I’d mentally blocked had came back 1000 times harder. I deleted the message, and deleted that Myspace account and never went back to it. I started dreaming about when all this started, the first day my life changed and I started having nightmares. They we’re go bad and I was scared I trained myself to just not sleep at all. To prevent any nightmare from coming, any thoughts I’d ran from. All awhile I was in a relationship with YORKER. There were countless times I cried in her arms because of this, countless times I couldn’t handle it and she was with me. Sleeping with YORKER in her bed, in her arms was the only place I could sleep without feeling anything. I could sleep hours just in her bed. She understood everything and never passed any judgment. She was just there without any questions asked. Eventually it became too much and we broke up. Having YORKER there had become something I depended on; and when she wasn’t there it was just like “dang what do I do now?” So I went back to not sleeping. I would go to bed, but not to sleep; and if I did sleep, it was no more than 45 minutes than; I’ll go to school all day and come home and keep myself busy so I wouldn’t fall asleep. And that’s how I went through most of my high school years.
Thinking about everything and how it all played out, still makes my cry, doing this blog right now made me cry. But I think it’s made me stronger. From time to time I still have dreams about it and whenever YORKER and I are together, she clams me down, or she’ll come get me and we’ll hangout to get my mind off of it, but I think going through that will not only help me in the future with my job but it’ll make me a better person and parent.
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